What to Do If Your Partner Doesn't Like Your Best Friend

There are some people in your life who you really want to get along. While a lot of emphasis is placed on your partner gelling with your family—and you getting along with your partner’s family—there’s another very important dynamic that’s often overlooked: your partner and your best friend or friend group. Often, these are the most important people in your life, so it's only natural that you want them to like each other. The unfortunate truth is that it doesn't always work out that way. And if your boyfriend doesn't like your friends (or vice versa), you might feel torn while being stuck in the middle.

There are a lot of complications when it comes to your partner not getting along with your best friend. There’s a good chance your pal has been on the scene for far longer than your boyfriend or girlfriend—even if you and your partner are married or have children together. This can sometimes create tension: Your partner might feel threatened or just not really be a fan of this person you’ve known for years and years.

So what should you do if your boyfriend doesn’t like your best friend? Ultimately, it’s all about getting to the source of the dislike. Here’s what you need to know about navigating this often uncomfortable situation.

Rule Out Control Issues

Here's the hard truth: All of the people whom you love and adore aren’t necessarily going to love and adore each other—and that’s okay. You need them to be respectful and open-minded, but you don’t need your partner and best friend to become best friends. If they’re just a little lukewarm on each other, that can work out just fine. But there's a difference between clashing personalities and a battle for your attention. Pay attention to your partner’s response to your friend and try to work out if it’s actually an issue of just disliking them. If your partner feels threatened by your best friend, it may be that he or she has bigger issues—and is too possessive of you. If you get a sense that this is the case, then there's a more foundational relationship problem afoot.

How to Identify Control Issues

So, how can you tell when this is the case? If your boyfriend doesn't like your friends, he'll probably seem apathetic or, at worst, a little annoyed or frustrated by them. If your partner has a stronger reaction, then that's telling. Here are a few signs that your partner is the problem—not your friends.

• If your partner gets angry at you for spending time with your friends
• If they are actively rude to your friends when you're together
• If they ask you to stop seeing your friends or lash out when you tell them about upcoming plans
• If they show no interest in getting to know your friends at all (and immediately write them off before giving them a chance)
• If they check in obsessively when you're with your friends and grill you with questions when you come home

If you find yourself in any of these scenarios, it says a lot about your partner. You may need to have a bigger conversation about your relationship, independence, and respect—or get out of the relationship entirely.

Consider Your Partner's Point of View

Best friendships are complicated. You may love each other one minute, drive each other nuts the next, and then make up before you even blink. Maybe you’ve been feuding for weeks—or maybe they’ve really let you down. Try to remember all of these nuances and complications when you’re trying to understand your partner’s point of view.

It’s really hard to watch someone mistreat the person you love and, though you might not hold a grudge, your partner has probably heard you vent and be upset or hurt by your best friend from time to time. They often hear more of the difficult parts than the good ones—so it makes sense that they might be bristly or aggravated with this person.

On that note, sometimes it may be worth talking to your best friend about the issue, too—even if you don’t think they’ve done something wrong. Maybe you have a standoffish best friend—and explaining that your partner is just a bit shy or awkward snaps him or her out of it. If your partner finds it difficult to open up to people generally, then talking to your best friend and asking them to go the extra mile can make a difference in the long run.

Set Some Boundaries With Your Partner

Find a Baseline

Even if your partner doesn’t like your best friend, their priority should be being a good partner to you—and that means, within reason, spending time with your friends. That doesn't mean you should expect them to hang out frequently and start bringing your partner around to girls' nights (we definitely don't recommend that), but you should be able to explain to your partner why it’s important to you that they try to get along—and your partner should respect that. Your partner should also be respectful of your best friend in private—which means no badmouthing.

Establish (Expected) Times When You Can All Be Together

Maybe all of your couple friends get together once a month, or there’s a friends' trip you want them to go to, or it’s just a matter of being polite and asking them a few questions when they bump into each other at a party. Talk to your partner and try to work out how they can make your life easier, without them feeling uncomfortable. You should be able to find some middle ground. Giving your partner a sense of when these interactions will happen should help, too, so they don't feel like you're springing expectations on them last-minute.

Talk Through the Real Reasons They Don't Get Along

In an ideal world, your partner and best friend will just click and the three of you can run off into the sunset—but that’s rarely how it actually works out. Try to feel out the issue, whether it’s your partner just being shy or not really on the same page as your best friend—or whether they’re intimidated by your intimacy with your best friend and there are some control issues at play. As long as it’s an innocent case of not getting along, you should be able to talk to your partner and call a truce. They don’t have to love your best friend, but they do need to support you—and that means being polite and welcoming to your friends when you need them to be.