What Is Gaslighting in a Relationship? 5 Key Signs to Watch Out For

It's one of the most common words used when discussing relationship dynamics: gaslighting. Whether it terms of a romantic partnership or a toxic friendship, it's often utilized when one party feels manipulated or questioned by the other. Maybe you know you told your partner that you were scheduled to leave for your trip on Saturday, but when Friday night comes around, they insist that you told them Sunday—and get upset with you for making them depart earlier than anticipated. Or maybe you're sure you saw them exchange a flirty glance or two with their coworker at an event, but they say you're overreacting to a cordial workplace relationship. Regardless of the exchange, gaslighting is an all-too-common experience in any dynamic. But what exactly does this word mean?

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to shift the power dynamic in a relationship so that one person has complete control over the other. It's ultimately a form of emotional abuse utilized to gain power over a romantic partner. "Gaslighting is such a malicious form of emotional abuse because it causes you to question your experiences, so it can be difficult to identify the warning signs," says Jeremy Bergen, a psychotherapist. The effects that this manipulation can have on a person are undeniable. "Gaslighting causes harm and creates self-doubt," says K'Hara McKinney, a marriage and couples therapist. "It can contribute to an over internalization of blame for bad behavior of others. This can lead to a negative impact on self-esteem."

Below, Bergen and McKinney break down the meaning of gaslighting in a relationship—and share how to identify the key warning signs. Read on for everything you need to know about gaslighting.

What Is the Meaning of Gaslighting in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes you to question or doubt your sanity, judgment, and memories. "At its heart, gaslighting is emotional abuse," says Bergen. "It's a tactic one partner uses in an effort to exert power over, gain control over, and inflict emotional damage on the other." Gaslighting also involves downplaying your partner's experience. "They make the person feel crazy or like their pain is imagined," McKinney adds.

5 Signs of Gaslighting in Your Relationship

At the start of any relationship, watch out for any major red flags. "Early signs of gaslighting tend to look like an invalidation or dismissal of feelings," says McKinney. "Rationalization of harm, as well as victim blaming, can also be possible flags for gaslighting. Condescending remarks or trivializing pain may be other flags to notice." However, gaslighting can occur at any point in any relationship, regardless of whether you've been dating for five months or five years. Below, the experts offer some key warning signs to watch out for.

They Make You Question Your Perception of Reality

The major warning sign of gaslighting is that "your partner challenges your perception of situations, of yourself, of your thoughts, of your feelings, of their behavior," says Bergen. "One of the big warning signs is this persistent sense that what you saw, you didn't really see. And what you experienced, you didn't really experience. What you felt, you didn't really feel."

They Persistently and Blatantly Lie to You

Sure, everyone tells a fib every once in a while. However, if your partner is gaslighting, they may lie consistently, toying with your perception of reality. "Their lies are designed to be manipulative for control," Bergen says. If you think your partner may be gaslighting you, he suggests asking whether your partner makes you question your thoughts and experiences on a regular basis.

They Make You Feel Insecure by Breaking You Down

In order to gain control and power, a gaslighter will harp on the your insecurities. To determine whether your partner is breaking you down, Bergen suggests asking yourself whether they're saying things that are aimed to make you look bad on a consistent basis.

They Try to Alienate You From People Who Care About You

"They do this because they want to control the narrative," Bergen says. "They want to separate these relationships, so they'll cause conflict." When deploying this tactic, they may say: "Our kids think you're crazy, too," or "your mom feels the same way."

They Deny Saying Something

A gaslighter will make you question you reality and sanity. To this end, they may deny saying or doing something, and instead treat you as if you're crazy. Sometimes referred to as "countering," the gaslighter will question your memory of an event, deny it ever happened, or pretend to forget what actually happened—even if you have proof.

14 Common Gaslighting Phrases

Another way to look for signs of gaslighting? Keep your ears open for phrases gaslighters commonly say, which might include the following.

• "You're too emotional."
• "I do this because I love you."
• "If you loved me, you would..."
• "Stop being dramatic."
• "You're making that up."
• "Why are you being so paranoid?"
• "That never happened."
• "We already talked about this."
• "I never said that."
• "You're crazy."
• "You're too sensitive."
• "I was trying to help you."
• "Come on, I was just joking."
• "Everyone agrees with me."

3 Common Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships

When you're in a relationship, it can be difficult to spot gaslighting. Here are some common examples to look out for.

Use of "Love" as a Defense

If someone says, "You know I only do it because I love you," or "Believe me, this is for the best," when doing something you perceive as abusive, controlling, or wrong, they may be gaslighting you. Gaslighters often use love as a defense for their actions and suggest that you don't love them equally if you don't agree with what they say or do. For example, they might sabotage opportunities, such as jobs or friendships, for you in order to control you—and then justify it by saying they were concerned or that they did it because they care about you.

Accusations of Paranoia

One of the most common tactics gaslighters use is accusing their victim of paranoia, particularly when they're engaging in infidelity. Instead of taking responsibility for their behavior, they'll deflect the problem onto you, saying things like "You really think I would cheat on you? You're just insecure," or "Why are you so paranoid? You know I would never do that." The gaslighter will accuse you of being overly sensitive and jealous in hopes that you'll question your instincts or observations.

Constant Criticism or Disparagement

A gaslighter may use verbal abuse to wear you down in an attempt to keep you stuck in the relationship. They may use constant insults or comments, like "You know you'll never get anyone better than me," or "You're terrible with money. That's why I have to control the finances." They want to make you believe you're unlovable or useless without them and therefore must stay in the relationship. Other insults, like calling you "dramatic," "hysterical," "ungrateful," or "crazy," are meant to make you question your sanity.

Why Does Gaslighting Happen in a Relationship?

People seek power and control in relationships for a wide variety of reasons, so the rationalizations for gaslighting vary from case to case. However, there are a few common patterns, which Bergen breaks down below.

They Believe It's the Only Way to Sustain the Relationship

"In some cases, gaslighting is a way to try to keep somebody who you want to be in a relationship with around in a very abusive way—there's this notion that this is the only way to sustain the relationship," says Bergen.

They Feel Better About Themselves When Controlling Someone Else

"Sometimes, there's a genuine sense of, 'If I'm controlling other people, then I feel better about where I'm at,' and that search for power is something that expresses itself in the relationship," says Bergen.

They Just Enjoy the Power and Control

"A decent amount of research... shows there are people who genuinely find pleasure in having control over others," Bergen says.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Gaslighting You: 4 Key Steps to Take

The first step in recovering from gaslighting is to commit to breaking the cycle of abuse. Don't allow your plans to be derailed by your gaslighter, who may ramp up their manipulations upon recognizing your intent to escape the relationship. Prepare yourself for this, and aim to stay one step ahead in the pattern so that you're able to remain as disassociated as possible.

Ultimately, your goal should be to end the relationship. When you do, don't look for validation or accountability from your partner, McKinney says. "Being very sure that the relationship has to end without negotiating with the other person will be really helpful in effectively ending it," she adds. "And of course, self-care afterwards will be the salve for the hard conversation."

Here are some additional tips that may help you cope with—and break free of—gaslighting.

Seek Help from Someone Outside the Relationship

Turn to a friend, family member, or trusted coworker to validate your feelings. This won't be easy, as a byproduct of gaslighting is the feeling of isolation; you've been manipulated to believe that your partner is the only one who truly understands you. Realize that this isn't the case, and seek out a confidant who can help you assess the situation, corroborate your memories, and/or confirm that something's not right.

Approach Your Recovery Like a Marathon, Not a Sprint

While speaking with a loved one is therapeutic, you might need the counsel of an impartial third party (think: a psychologist or therapist) to guide you out of the dynamic and ensure that you don't slip back into the cycle of abuse. If you're considering couples' therapy with your partner, make sure to also book a private session for yourself. Ultimately, long-term, regular therapy with a qualified professional can help equip you with the tools needed to break free (or at least distance yourself) from a toxic or one-sided relationship.

Focus on Yourself

Don't lose your sense of self, as doing so in the aftermath of a breakup can foster the perfect conditions for wallowing. Ditch your couch-and-sweatpants habit before it becomes routine. "Create space internally, mentally, emotionally, and then externally by engaging with people outside the relationship," says Bergen. Direct some much-needed attention to any relationships that may have been on the back burner, and open yourself up to meeting new people.

Trust Your Gut

Follow your instincts. "The internal step, in terms of what to do if you feel like you're being gaslit, is to make the commitment to yourself that you do not have to question your thoughts, feelings, perceptions about anything," says Bergen. "That is a choice that you make as an individual to reassess a situation that nobody is allowed to re-narrate anything for you."