Is Your Partner Exhibiting Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Your Relationship? Here Are 7 Signs to Watch Out For

While passive-aggressive behavior may seem less forceful and obvious than other types of aggression, it can be just as destructive to your emotional well-being—and your relationship. “Passive-aggressiveness is a subtle, indirect way to communicate one's needs and feelings—in particular, negative feelings—instead of saying directly what you need or what is making you upset,” says Hope Kelaher, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship therapist. 

Maybe instead of expressing annoyance that your partner failed to load the dishwasher, you give them the silent treatment. Or maybe if you don’t like walking the dog, you procrastinate the task until it’s too late to do it—and then blame your partner for the mishap. These small, albeit quiet aggressions add up and can ultimately be deleterious to your partnership over time. “The key to a healthy, long-term relationship is the ability of a couple to communicate and understand the other on a deeply vulnerable level where each person lets their guard down,” says Kelaher. “Taking a passive-aggressive stance is the exact opposite: In worst case scenarios, I have seen it not only leads to communication breakdown, but to increased conflict, partner withdrawal, mistrust, confusion, poor self-esteem and, in the worst cases, the end of a relationship.”

Ahead, discover how your or your partner's passive-aggressive behavior is sabotaging your relationship—and how to break the cycle for good.

How Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Affect a Relationship?

Passive-aggressive behavior is an ineffective type of communication that can contribute to an ongoing, adverse relationship dynamic. “Passive-aggressive behavior is unhealthy for a relationship and can set in motion a negative pattern for dealing with problems,” says Nicholas “Nic” Hardy, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and relationship expert. “The longer a problem goes unaddressed, the worse it becomes over time. In cases where problems are ignored, new additional problems are likely to result from the original problem and have a negative compounding effect. Although it can feel like an issue is no longer a concern when unaddressed, it can show up later in the relationship in a number of unhealthy ways; when we ignore an issue, it becomes the perfect breeding ground for resentment.”

What Causes Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior typically stems from a desire to avoid conflict, and can go hand-in-hand with low self-esteem, says Kelaher. “In couples where one person fears confrontation, they may unconsciously be passive-aggressive so that their intimate partner can sense that they are unhappy without having to delve into their feelings,” she says. “Similarly, people who suffer from low-self esteem may struggle to find their voice in a relationship, especially in those relationships where there may be a power-differential and they are afraid to challenge the current status quo.” 

The way you were taught to share and process your feelings as a child can also play a role. “If you have experienced childhood emotional neglect where, in your family of origin, you felt that it was emotionally unsafe to ‘take up space’ and speak your mind or express a negative opinion, you may unknowingly be passive-aggressively communicating your negative feelings so as not to have adverse repercussions,” says Kelaher.

7 Signs Your Partner Is Being Passive Aggressive 

Unsure of whether your partner is demonstrating passive-aggressive behavior? Here, the experts offer some common signs to look out for. 

They’re Avoidant

Passive-aggressive behavior allows your partner to avoid frank and honest interactions that bring up uncomfortable feelings. “Whether it’s the silent treatment, not answering the phone, or not responding to messages, an individual that is passive-aggressive will avoid directly addressing an issue,” says Hardy. “Passive-aggressive behavior is just that—passive—therefore, it shows up in ways that are often indirect and subtle.” This may result in them talking around an issue or dropping hints instead of bringing it up in a straightforward manner. “When someone is displaying passive-aggressive behavior, there is guesswork involved and it becomes questionable whether there is a problem or not,” he says.

They Make Unkind Jokes

A passive-aggressive partner might use “sarcastic or biting humor” to indicate simmering unhappiness or displeasure, says Kelaher. “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘To every joke there is a partial truth?,’” she says. “When your partner uses biting ‘humor,’ they are covertly trying to tell you something. Pay attention to the subtext—what are they saying beneath that joke?”

They Gaslight You

Gaslighting is an increasingly common term, says Kelaher. “It is best understood as a form of manipulation that causes the other person to question their reality,” she adds. Maybe your partner agrees to complete a task and then quietly leaves it unfinished—while claiming they never volunteered in the first place. “A passive-aggressive partner might oblige and say they will pay the bills, but find indirect ways to express that they do not want to do it, such as waiting until you receive an overdue notice,” says Kelaher. “When a partner is passive-aggressive and happily shares that they will act on something without following through on it, this can cause the partner to doubt what is real.”

They’re Curt (and Careless) 

It’s not just laziness. Doing the bare minimum—or less than that—can be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior. “Instead of avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior can also come in the form of giving short answers or doing the minimum,” Hardy  says. “This can show up in conversation, household chores, and/or other expectations that exist in the relationship.”

They Play the Victim

Playing the victim allows a passive-aggressive partner to avoid unpleasant tasks and interactions while moving the responsibility onto the other partner. “When a partner doesn’t want to do something and is complaining or playing the ‘poor me’ card, it can be seen as a manipulative way to shift the blame to avoid taking actions,” says Kelaher. “This may manifest as pessimistic behavior and complaining about their misfortunes—i.e., ‘I never get to sit down and relax, you have me working and doing household chores all the time.’” This ultimately allows the passive-aggressive partner to avoid taking ownership of their behavior.  

They’re Cynical

Cynicism goes along with playing the victim: In both cases, a negative attitude allows a passive-aggressive partner to deny accountability while masking a deeper unhappiness. “When an individual is consistently negative, this can be a sign that a problem is present that an individual refuses to address,” Hardy says.

They Speak in Absolutes

Frequent use of phrases like “I always” and “You never” are another warning sign, says Kelaher; this technique combines gaslighting with playing the victim. When your partner responds to you in absolutes, it can unbalance your own understanding of the situation—and affect how you respond. “You might find yourself questioning if their experience is real or not, causing you to change [what you] ask of them or give them undo leeway, when in fact they are trying to communicate their dissatisfaction,” Kelaher.

How to Deal With a Passive-Aggressive Partner

You shouldn’t have to tolerate passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship. Here’s what to do when you're confronted with these signs and tendencies. 

Meet the Avoidance Head-On

Encourage your partner to have a forthright conversation about their feelings, wants, and needs—instead of responding to their passive-aggressive cues. “A healthy way to address passive aggressive behavior is to have a direct, straightforward conversation about the problem. This prevents circular conversations and unhealthy interactions that ignore or ‘go around’ the issue,” says Hardy.

Start With Your Experience

Address your partner’s behavior by describing your experience instead of theirs. “Do not place blame or attack the other person,” says Kelaher. “Become curious of how they feel. One might share, ‘I notice that every time I ask you to take the dog out before bedtime you give a loud sigh or have a snide remark. I have noticed this pattern a bunch and I am curious how my request that you take the dog out at night makes you feel?’” This approach allows you both to discuss the issue calmly and clearly. “Validate and empathize with their experience—you don’t have to agree with it,” says Kelaher. “Appreciate their efforts, [and] express appreciation for their openness to hear you and give feedback.”

Don’t Mimic Their Behavior

It can feel instinctive to respond to your partner in the same way they’re behaving toward you, but Hardy cautions against picking up passive-aggressive habits of your own. “Avoid mirroring similar behavior that reinforces an unhealthy pattern,” he says. “As an example, when someone is giving you the silent treatment, it’s easy to give them the same silent treatment. The problem, however, is this perpetuates the problem and suggests that behavior is suitable, when in fact it’s not.”