Is Stonewalling Destroying Your Relationship? 4 Relationship Counselors Weigh In

You may assume that all red flags in a relationship are easy to spot. Heated arguments, screaming matches, and constant tension are all clear indications that your partnership may be on the rocks. However, there are also less obvious signs that you may need to work on certain aspects of your dynamic. One such marker is stonewalling, which occurs when one person shuts down completely, making themself completely inaccessible on an emotional or cognitive level to the other individual. Rather than your partner hurling painful words at you, you may be forced to sit in uncomfortable silence—or just receive one or two-word responses to any question you ask. And while this behavior is typically a defense mechanism employed to reduce conflict in a dynamic, it can quickly create communication issues and induce anxiety in the other individual.

Unfortunately, this behavior is often rooted in childhood experiences, making it that much more challenging to eliminate. "Stonewalling is often a survival mechanism of sorts," says Doug Roest-Gyimah, a licensed clinical social worker. "It is sometimes from one's childhood and family, and other times, it is learned in adult relationships. If someone is afraid of conflict—say they grew up in a household where conflict meant a lack of safety or sudden instability—they might shut down to maintain a sense of safety." However, even though this tendency may be a common pattern for your partner, that doesn't mean it deserves a place in your relationship dynamic.

Ready to break down your partner's emotional wall? Ahead, experts share what stonewalling in a relationship looks like—and how to overcome it.

Is Stonewalling the Same as the Silent Treatment?

Not necessarily. "All stonewalling isn't the silent treatment, though the silent treatment can be considered stonewalling," says Jocylynn Stephenson, a licensed psychotherapist. "Stonewalling is more than simply refusing to speak to your partner; it's fundamentally denying them an opportunity for connection." This can appear in many forms, such as short answers, shutting down, or creating unwanted space between you two.

What Is Stonewalling? 3 Common Signs to Look Out for

When you partner stonewalls you, they may give you terse responses—or stop speaking to you altogether. You may also feel as though they're pulling away from you emotionally, creating distance between the two of you. Below, the experts offer some of the most common signs to look out for.

Your Partner Shuts Down

"If one partner stops responding, goes silent, or starts staring at the ground or into space, [that is] a sign of stonewalling," says Roest-Gyimah. "Unresponsiveness is the most blatant form of stonewalling." Know that this behavior may be an indicator your partner is struggling to communicate their feelings. "The silent treatment, especially for introverted personality types, is also a shutting-down technique, but it could be unintentional for lack of knowing how, or what to say, or how to respond," says Dr. Sherrie Sims Allen, a psychologist and relationship expert. "You can’t say anything wrong when you say nothing, but the impact of the silent treatment and stonewalling is emotionally harmful and frustrating to your partner."

They Give You One-Word Answers

"If in the middle of a conversation or argument, one partner begins to be short, saying 'yup,' 'sure,' 'uh-huh,' these are signs of stonewalling," Roest-Gyimah says. "The person is intentionally not sharing the full content of their inner experience."

You Feel Distant From Your Partner After the Argument

There's a fine line between giving your partner space and intentionally putting distance between the two of you. "Although taking breaks and walking away from intense fights can be a great strategy, continued distance can be a way of building a wall around oneself and limit access that a partner has to another," Roest-Gyimah says.

5 Ways Stonewalling Hurts Relationships

Does your partner put up a wall every time you have a disagreement? In addition to being a frustrating response, this behavior can damage your relationship in the long run. "If life offers occasional threats to connection...stonewalling simply works to make those threats harder to overcome," Stephenson says. "We want to feel seen and loved and appreciated, and stonewalling represents a refusal to give that to our partner." Below, the experts explain some other ways this behavior can hurt your dynamic.

It Can Lead to Unresolved Issues

"Once one partner denies access from the other partner, the original issues and grievances that were brought up are now left unaddressed," says Roest-Gyimah. "Sure, the stonewalling partner avoided having to continue to engage in uncomfortable dialogue, but as a by-product, the important issues were also avoided. Stonewalling avoids two things—discomfort and resolving issues."

It Can Cause Disrespect Between Partners

Whether or not it's intentional, you may feel disrespected when your partner stonewalls you. "When someone shuts you out, it can feel quite disrespectful, even hurtful," Roest-Gyimah says. "In love that lasts, there is also respect. When couples get to a point of not feeling respected by one another, they are in trouble and should seek help."

It Can Make One Partner Feel Lonely

"A lack of access to a partner can be quite isolating and lonely," Roest-Gyimah says. "The opposite of loneliness is connection; to truly connect to another, we need access to their honest thoughts and emotions. Letting someone into our inner-world is allowing both of us to feel close and connected. Chronic stonewalling can lead to chronic loneliness. Many couples have said to me, 'It's like we are in the same room but still apart.'"

Much of this is due to the cognitive distance stonewalling creates. "One of the functions of stonewalling is to build emotional distance from the partner enough for you to be alone with your own emotions and thoughts," says Alyssa Vu, a psychotherapist. "The problem is, your partner can't see or hear the 'wall' being built, so that can cause more miscommunication and misunderstanding."

It Can Spawn Anger and Resentment

Stonewalling can result in intense conflict. "This is often because being ignored can trigger some really deep wounds in us," says Roest-Gyimah. "If we grew up with caregivers who were constantly inaccessible, emotionally cold, or withdrew affection, when our lover ignores us, it can send us into a whirlwind of hurt." For a lot of people, this is the worst part: "Emotional withdrawal is more triggering for some than others. Some seem to be able to handle their partner checking out just fine. On the other hand, for some, it can hurt really bad," he adds. "In those people, stonewalling should be addressed at its first signs."

It Can Be a Form of Gaslighting

Anyone who has experienced gaslighting knows how upsetting it can be when your partner calls your sense of reality into question. If done intentionally, stonewalling can be a form of gaslighting: Being ignored or given one-word answers can make you doubt your (valid) concerns, especially if your partner is also denying your feelings during an argument.

7 Reasons Why Someone Stonewalls

Whether you believe you're the one doing the stonewalling and want to pinpoint triggers or simply would like to better understand your partner's mental and emotional state, these are some of the reasons why someone may choose to engage in this type of behavior.

• Having difficulty expressing their emotions
• A fear of consequences for voicing emotions
• An attempt to keep the peace or diffuse emotionally-charged conversations
• A habitual or learned communication or conflict style
• Seeing it as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling anxious or overwhelmed by emotions or conflict
• A tactic for punishing or manipulating a partner
• An attempt to passively bring the relationship to an end
  

Types of Stonewalling

As the causes of this defense mechanism can range across a spectrum of intensity, it's important to discern the intent behind the behavior. Ultimately, intent (or lack thereof) informs the type of stonewalling you're dealing with: intentional or unintentional.

Unintentional Stonewalling

Unintentional stonewalling isn't malicious in nature. It's a defense mechanism being utilized to cope with emotional discomfort during moments of conflict and heightened stimuli. A person engaging in this type of stonewalling fears their partner's reaction or doesn't want to make an argument worse. They may not even realize they're doing it.

Intentional Stonewalling

Unlike unintentional stonewalling, intentional stonewalling is much more weaponized. In this case, the behavior is consciously used as a strategy to manipulate, dominate, control, or punish a partner. Ultimately, this can become a form of verbal abuse; if you think this is happening to you, you should seek out a mental health professional for support.

4 Ways to Deal With Stonewalling

You're likely wondering: How do you address stonewalling? When you’ve noticed the above signs and want to change your relationship for the better, there are some strategies you can use. Know that ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. However, ultimately, the burden of stopping this tendency lies with the person exhibiting the behavior. "Stonewalling can be verbally acknowledged, but reversing its damage is the responsibility of the person doing it," Stephenson says. "John and Julie Gottman talk about 'turning toward' rather than 'turning away' from your partner's bids for connection. Doing so means making the effort to accept and meet them where they are."

See a Relationship Therapist

"First, of course, it can help to work through these conflict patterns with a professional," says Roest-Gyimah. "We can't always be objective in our own relationships, and we tend to have blind spots when it comes to our own stuff." A therapist may see something that the two of you can't.

Approach Your Partner With Kindness

"Some people have no issues marching forward and righteously arguing with others," Roest-Gyimah says. "If you are that person, realize that your partner needs a sense of safety, calmness, quietness, and slowness. Show that you respect their need for safety, without shutting down your own needs to have the dialogue. The more aggressive you are, the more likely they are to shut down."

Be Clear and Direct

Getting your tone right is everything. "We don't want to walk on eggshells," Roest-Gyimah says. "We also don't want to aggressively pursue. There is a happy medium: calm, clear, and direct. Stonewalling often becomes a pursuer and distancer game that we can play. We want to get out of the game and back into healthy adult communication."

Pinpoint the Problem

"If you are the one who finds yourself shutting people out, it's important to get to the function of that behavior, so it can be worked through," says Roest-Gyimah. "Are you shutting down because you start to feel unsafe or sense aggression? Or do you feel hopeless, like no matter what you say you will be argued into a corner? Once we realize why, we can talk about it and try to address it." If you are the one engaging in this behavior, Vu suggests verbalizing to your partner what you need, instead of shutting down. For example, you may ask to revisit the conversation after taking a break. While it ultimately accomplishes the same goal, it may just make all of the difference in fostering a healthy relationship.