Weddings come with all sorts of unspoken etiquette rules—many of which have slowly changed over time. Years ago, accepting an invitation to a couple's ceremony and reception meant visiting a brick-and-mortar store to purchase a gift from their wedding registry. Then, you'd wrap that large package in shiny white and blue paper, top it with silver bows, and lug it into a reception hall. Today, however, in the age of overnight delivery, Venmo, and honeymoon funds, many guests are left wondering if they're supposed to bring gifts to a wedding. The short answer, experts say, is, no.
Especially given the fact that so many couples are hosting destination weddings, bringing a large, bulky gift to a reception is no longer the form. “It's actually considered a bit rude to bring a gift to the wedding these days as it just adds a burden onto the couple to be responsible to manage it’s journey back to their home,” says wedding planner Annie Lee.
Meet the Expert
- Annie Lee is a wedding planner and founder of Plannie.com.
- Jacqueline Whitmore is an etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach. She is the author of Poised for Success and Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work.
But what about financial gifts? If you're planning to write the couple a check, should you bring your card to the celebration? Wedding gift etiquette is nuanced, so we're breaking it all down below.
When to Bring Gifts to a Wedding
When asked when it’s appropriate to bring physical wrapped gifts to a wedding, both Lee and etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore say “never.” However, a check in a card is the exception. In fact, many couples prefer this. “I have never had a client say, ‘I hope everyone brings gifts, not checks.’ It's always the opposite,” says Lee. If a couple has a table or box to collect checks, it’s appropriate to leave yours there, but Whitmore is also a fan of sending a check in the mail so the couple does not have to deal with bringing envelopes home. She even believes in using the speedier and efficient method of electronic transfer via apps like Venmo and Paypal.
As for how much to give in a check, Whitmore says that’s totally up to you. “I think the average is about $100. The old rule of thumb is give what you think your dinner costs, but those days are over. Old historic etiquette books might still say it.” Lee also suggests keeping reciprocity in mind. “If they attended your wedding and got you a gift, return it with one of equal or greater value,” she says.
Whitmore reminds guests that gifts do not have to be monetary. If you have a tight budget, consider donating your time to the couple by helping with wedding errands or set-up.
When You Shouldn't Bring Gifts to a Wedding
When buying a gift off the registry or giving any other physical present, always ship it, experts say. “This is not 1988. Always ship any gifts to the couple's home. No one wants to be responsible for collecting all the gifts at the end of the night nor do they want to be responsible for any gifts that grow feet and disappear,” says Lee. Whitmore echoes this, adding that when she worked in the hotel industry, she saw many a gift get stolen. She adds that when shipping, you can track your present to make sure it gets to where it needs to be. So even if you don’t receive a thank-you note, you’ll know it’s there without having to awkwardly ask the couple if they received it.
For destination weddings, shipping becomes all the more important. Remember that the couple will have to deal with packing and bringing home any gifts they receive at the wedding or paying to ship them home themselves.
As for when you should mail the gift, the old school of etiquette says it should be sent within a year of the wedding. However Lee believes in sending gifts ahead of the wedding and Whitmore suggests within three months of the wedding. Exceptions, Whitmore says, might be custom-made gifts that take a lot of time. Speaking of thoughtful gifts, Lee reminds guests to weigh the sentimental value of a gift versus the practicality of a check. “I like gifts that are significant and sentimental like the couple's registry China or other heirloom-potential gifts. The colander (or a "proverbial can opener' as Whitmore calls it) from their registry will not make them as happy as being handed an envelope,” she says.
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Do You Need to Send a Gift If You Don't Attend the Wedding?
This is where it gets tricky, says Whitmore. If you know the couple well, she suggests ordering something off the registry or at least sending a card with a check for however much you can give. A gift card could even work. Many couples these days also post honeymoon funds or other pools of money to which you can send what you feel comfortable contributing. If you don’t know the couple well, she says you are not obligated to send a gift.
