How to Write a Rehearsal Dinner Toast, According to a Wedding Speechwriter

While remarks given at a couple's reception may get the bulk of the attention when it comes to wedding-related speeches, rehearsal dinner toasts are just as important. Held the evening before the couple says "I do," the rehearsal dinner serves as an intimate gathering of their respective families, their wedding party, and their close friends. As such, it's often a meaningful and heartwarming time, as everyone swaps stories about the soon-to-be newlyweds and the impact that they've had on the people around them. However, regardless of whether you were tapped or personally volunteered to share a few remarks at the celebration, figuring out the right words to say can be difficult. "The problem is that we have many years of thoughts, memories, and feelings about a bride or groom banging around in our head, and it feels like chaos," says Den Pope, a professional wedding speechwriter. “Other than feeling a great sense of love and pride, it’s hard to define the relationship because you’ve never really had to think about it.”

If that sentiment sounds relatable, you're far from the only speech-giver who feels that way. However, even though every person and relationship is unique, there's a standard template and brainstorming process to follow that can make crafting your toast a little bit easier. To start, make sure you give yourself more than enough time to plan your remarks. Instead of just jotting a few thoughts down on a napkin during the first few minutes of the dinner, contemplate what you want to say in the weeks leading up to the event.

Here, Pope breaks down everything you need to know about giving a rehearsal dinner toast, including a step-by-step template, key tips, and an example to take inspiration from. Read on for more.

When Do the Rehearsal Dinner Toasts Take Place?

Like the name suggests, a rehearsal dinner toast occurs during the rehearsal dinner, which typically takes place the night before the wedding. However, the event's hosts dictate when the speeches ultimately kick off. If you plan to speak, touch base with the planners. They'll be able to give you a clear direction on when to begin your toast.

Who Gives a Rehearsal Dinner Toast?

Traditionally, the groom's family is tasked with hosting the rehearsal dinner. As a result, the groom's mother or father typically gives the first speech. However, nowadays, the rehearsal dinner may be organized by the couple themselves or the bride's family. If that's the case, whoever is hosting the affair should give the first toast. That initial speech is followed by any members of the wedding party who won't be speaking at the reception the following day—but would like to share some remarks. If the opportunity is presented for others to say a few words, those toasts would follow the wedding party.

Rehearsal Dinner Toast Template: 5 Key Steps

A great rehearsal dinner speech includes the same core elements as a wedding reception speech. Below, Pope offers a template to help you get started.

Introduce Yourself

"It’s always better if there’s a master of ceremonies or DJ to introduce the speaker," says Pope. "Otherwise, there will be throat clearing and empty platitudes right at the open when you should be grabbing the audience’s attention." However, if there’s no emcee, go with something short and sweet before diving into the speech.

Tell a Story

The main goal of any great rehearsal dinner speech is to "to give an inside look at the bride and/or groom—their defining values, characteristics, and personality traits—through the speaker’s eyes," Pope says. That’s best accomplished by a narrative that’s heavier on showing rather than telling. For example, instead of stating that Brittany, the bride, is spontaneous, share an anecdote about the time she booked a flight overseas on a day's notice.

Speak to the Person

After sharing your anecdote, take a quick moment to address that person directly: Brittany, that brings me to one of the things I’ve always loved most about you: your spontaneity.

Incorporate Their Partner 

The characteristics and anecdotes you choose to address next should transition into a moment of recognition for the other half of the couple. "Tease out what makes their relationship work," says Pope. "Define them, then bring them together." For example, maybe Brittany’s fiancé, James, is just as spontaneous, and they met while skydiving. Or, maybe he likes to have every hour of his day planned, but they’re the penultimate example of opposites attracting. Either way, you’ll want to explain why the characteristics you mention in your speech make them a great couple.

Make the Conclusion Brief

"Wrap it up quickly," says Pope. "No poems, no 16th-century quotes." A go-to approach: And now, everyone please join me in raising a glass to Brittany and James for a life filled with X, Y, and Z. Two of those three sentiments can be universal (love, joy, laughter, adventure, or happiness), but the last one should tie back to something referenced earlier in the speech.

Rehearsal Dinner Toast: 7 Helpful Tips

Need some words of encouragement before raising your glass to the happy couple? Here, Pope offers his best tips for writing and delivering a rehearsal dinner speech.

Consider Your Tone

Unless you're the father of the groom or the host of the evening, it’s okay if your speech is a little more casual. The group at the rehearsal dinner is the ultimate "in crowd" of any wedding, so they’ll be the most invested in what you have to say about the couple—and the most likely to understand or appreciate any inside jokes.

Avoid Over-Rehearsing

Some of Pope’s clients come to him a full year ahead of a wedding. While they may settle on content in advance, he doesn’t encourage revisiting the speech until about two months ahead of the big day. And even then, he advises against over-rehearsing. "You’ll sound robotic and unnatural," he says.

Say Something Interesting

"All the audience wants to hear is what you have to say about the bride and groom as an insider," says Pope. If you can do that, then you’re guaranteed to capture the attention of the crowd.

Be Mindful of Your Timing

The longest speech, which should be kept under 10 minutes, should be reserved for the host of the rehearsal dinner. If you're in the wedding party, keep your toast between five and seven minutes. Anyone else should keep their remarks to three minutes or less.

Don't Bring Up Exs

It should go without saying, but don't bring up either partner's ex. Other than that, less is off the table than what you may assume. Pope gives an example: "Some might think that gambling is off-limits. If the story exemplifies the person in a positive way, and everyone in the room knows that [the person] does it, then it can be fun in for your speech."

Be Honest

"It doesn’t matter if anyone in the room agrees with you or not," says Pope. "This is your speech. It’s your time to say what you want. Don’t think you have to fluff the couple up dishonestly to please the crowd."

Set Your Glass Down

Holding your glass in your hand as you speak will only serve as a distraction, especially if you’re also balancing a microphone and your notes. Place it near you on a table, or have someone hand it to you at the end.

Rehearsal Dinner Toast: Brainstorming Questions

Not sure how to begin mining a lifetime of memories for your rehearsal dinner speech? Here are a few questions to help get you started.

• What is your earliest or most vivid memory of the subject? What does that memory demonstrate about their personality or character? 
• What’s an endearing quirk about the subject? 
• When did the subject first mention their spouse-to-be to you? What did they say about them? 
• What was meeting their spouse-to-be for the first time like? 
• How or when did you realize their spouse-to-be was a good partner for the subject of your speech? 
• How has their spouse-to-be changed the subject of your speech for the better?

Rehearsal Dinner Toast: Example Speech

As tempting as it may be, avoid Googling for one-size-fits-all or fill-in-the-blank examples of rehearsal dinner speeches, as they can lead to hollow, canned, and impersonal toasts. Instead, Pope encourages his clients to think deeply about the most meaningful memories they associate with the subject of their toast, and to build their speech out from there.

"I wrote a matron of honor speech where the bride was her maid of honor three years ago," Pope says. "I asked if she gave a speech, and what that speech was like. She said, 'You know, the day was a blur. The only thing I really remember was that she quoted Dr. Suess.' So, we opened with that: 'Welcome. This brings back fond memories of my wedding day, where [Brittany] gave a speech. The day was a blur, but I remember one thing very clearly. She quoted Dr. Suess: "We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love." I didn’t get it at the time, but I’ve been waiting for your wedding day to say one thing: Brittany, you’re weird.'"