How to Navigate Losing Your Virginity on Your Wedding Night

After the vow exchange, first kiss, and cake cutting, newlyweds traditionally savor their first few moments alone as a married couple by getting physically intimate. Making love to your spouse on your wedding night is a beautiful way to deepen your emotional and physical connection and express your lifelong commitment to one another. Of course, sex isn’t a reality for every newly married couple (many feel too exhausted or have had one too many drinks), but for those who are waiting until marriage—whether it’s due to religious reasons or personal preferences—chances are, having sex on the evening of your nuptials will be a priority. 

If you’re planning on losing your virginity on your wedding night, you’re likely feeling a whirlwind of emotions: excited about getting physically closer to your spouse, nervous about any potential pain, insecure about your lack of experience, and so much more. Because it’s your first time (and since sex is sometimes considered a taboo topic), there are a lot of unknown variables associated with the experience, so it’s completely normal to feel anxious and unsure about your first time. Since you’ve chosen to wait, it’s also probable that you view losing your virginity as a huge milestone and, therefore, have sky-high expectations that rival a scene from a rom-com.

However you feel about your first time, you can alleviate some of the uncertainty and adopt a more realistic view on sex with a little preparation. To help you feel ready for your wedding night, we tapped sex therapist Danica Mitchell, who reveals her top tips for losing your virginity below. Ahead, we also discuss what to expect and what to do if either you or your partner fails to meet expectations. However it plays out, rest assured that waiting until marriage will be a special, unique, and memorable experience.

What to Expect on Your Wedding Night

Even though it’s rooted in tradition, having sex on the big night isn’t a requirement. According to Mitchell, choosing whether or not to have intercourse is a personal decision, one that depends on your preferences. While some couples get sexually intimate, others simply reminisce about the celebration before drifting off beside one another. If you’ve practiced abstinence leading up to your special day, your wedding night will probably be the first time you have intercourse, but plans can always change if you’re depleted after hours of celebrating.

If you’re waiting until marriage, the expectations you have about your first time may be skewed. Since you haven’t experienced sex yourself yet, the only reference point you have is personal accounts from loved ones (who tend to discuss only the highs and lows) and glamorized depictions of sex in movies and TV shows—neither of which capture the full (or a realistic) experience. Hearing personal anecdotes of physical pain might make you apprehensive about losing your virginity, and chemistry-filled scenes in cinema might lead to extremely high expectations. 

Instead of anticipating a horror story or a movie-worthy moment, expect a little bit of awkwardness. “Real-life sex isn’t like the movies,” Mitchell admits. “It is often slower, and you may fumble about more.” However, if you do your research, communicate with one another, and create an environment that feels comfortable, Mitchell says the experience can be wonderful.

How to Prepare for Your First Time on Your Wedding Night

If you intend to lose your virginity on your wedding night, there are steps you can take to feel as prepared as possible. From educating yourself ahead of time to communicating with your spouse during the intimate act, following these tips will give you a better understanding of what to expect, which will help ease anxiety and increase your comfortability.

Do Your Research

If you haven’t had any level of sex education, start with the basics: Familiarize yourself with the anatomy of your body and your partner’s body. “Nothing wrong with looking at a diagram or two before jumping in the sack,” Mitchell says. Even if you did take basic sex ed, the curriculum was probably focused on sexual health, not bodily pleasure or individual experiences. To reeducate yourself and learn about your own sexuality, read articles and books on the topic, listen to sex-positive podcasts, and ask a professional or a loved one any specific questions you may have.

Get to Know Your Body

The next level of sex-focused research includes hands-on experience. Mitchell suggests exploring your body through masturbation, so you can learn how stimulation affects certain parts of your body. “Practicing solo sex can help you learn your preferences and what types of touch you like, which may help you communicate them to a partner when the time comes,” she notes.

Discuss Expectations

In the weeks leading up to your nuptials, discuss expectations with your partner for your wedding night. It might feel uncomfortable to talk about these intimate details, but it’s important to get on the same page before your first time. First and foremost, decide if it will happen at all on your wedding night (maybe you’re leaving early for your honeymoon the following morning, or perhaps you’re anticipating a late night at your after-party). If you are planning to lose your virginity on your special night, agree on a time and place and cover any other relevant logistics, so you’ll feel less nervous on the night of. 

Set the Scene

Create a comfortable environment for sex, so your body will feel more relaxed, leading to a more intentional and pleasurable experience. Mitchell recommends covering all of the basic details, like adjusting the temperature and lighting to suit your preferences. Producing a romantic ambience with candles, rose petals, and music, for example, will also get you in the mood and make your first time especially memorable.

Prioritize Good Hygiene

Besides attending to the aesthetic details of wedding-night lovemaking, don’t forget to prioritize safe sex and personal hygiene. Stock your newlywed suite with condoms and lubricant, and wash up before jumping into bed. “Especially after a night of dancing and eating, it might be a good idea to take a shower, relax, and brush your teeth before diving in,” Mitchell advises.

Find a Comfortable Position

You might be wondering which sex position is best for virgins, but it depends on the individual and their body. Because there isn’t one single position that guarantees an incredible sexual experience for your first time, it’s important to explore what works for you. During sex, experiment with a few different positions until you find one that feels right.

Check In

During foreplay and penetration, be sure to communicate with your spouse. “Especially for your first time, there is a lot to figure out in the moment, and the best way to do that is to check in,” Mitchell says. If there’s a certain part of your body that responds well to stimulation, guide your partner’s hands there. If there’s a position that doesn’t feel good, let your significant other know. To make your spouse’s wedding-night sex an enjoyable experience, as well, Mitchell suggests asking them questions, such as “How do you like to be touched?” and “Does this feel good?” or “Do you want me to slow down?”

Take Your Time

Your first time is incredibly special, so there’s no need to rush. In fact, going too fast can make penetration more painful. Before diving into intercourse, focus on foreplay to get you in the mood. “Sex won’t be good if you’re tense and uncomfortable, so go slow and listen to your body,” Mitchell says. 

Focus on the Moment

As a virgin, it’s natural to put a lot of pressure on yourself to get it “right” and to perform to your partner’s perceived standards. But, by spending too much time in your head, it’s less likely that you’ll experience the pleasurable sensations of sex, and the moment won’t be as special. Instead, redirect your attention to your body and your partner’s body, focusing on how the experience feels. That way, you’ll be better able to express your wants, respond to your spouse’s wishes, and get much more out of the experience—even if it is awkward at times.

What to Do If Losing Your Virginity on Your Wedding Night Wasn’t What You Expected

If having sex with your spouse wasn’t what you thought it would be, you aren’t alone (and have no reason to fret). Below, we explore what steps to take if losing your virginity was a disappointing experience.

Give Yourself Grace

Having sex on your wedding night might not be the passionate, dreamy moment you’ve been envisioning. If your first time was disappointing, refrain from blaming yourself for the experience and remind yourself that physical intimacy is a skill you can hone. “No one is great at sex the first time,” Mitchell says, reassuringly. “Even people with a lot of sexual experience have to learn a new partner’s body and turn-ons and turn-offs.” Instead of beating yourself up, practice self-compassion and redirect your focus toward this exciting new chapter with your spouse.

Communicate Your Experience

If your first time was disappointing, talk to your spouse about it. Opening up to your partner about how the experience went for you (without assigning any blame, of course) will help them know how to make you feel more comfortable in the future. When you have sex again, Mitchell encourages you to take your time and to verbalize what you like and don’t like.

Get Educated

Mitchell also suggests doing some research to improve your sex-related knowledge base. There are plenty of books and podcasts that discuss practical and applicable tips for improving your sex life.

Keep Practicing

While practice doesn’t quite make perfect, it certainly helps you improve. By having sex more regularly with your partner, you’ll be better equipped at navigating each other’s bodies—and you’ll become more familiar with what feels pleasurable (or not) for the both of you.