How to End a Long-Term Relationship, According to Experts

Have you ever had a friend tell you that breaking up with their partner is just too difficult? It’s often challenging for people to end a long-term relationship, even if they know it's necessary. Our bonds with serious partners are inherently different from those we share with other close loved ones. And when you've been with someone for a large part of your life, it might be hard to imagine your days without them—not to mention the changing dynamics of friendships or support from each other's families. But when your heart tells you it's time, it's okay to decide you're ready for a new chapter.

We’re not going to downplay how hard it can be to part ways, but there isn't a good reason to stay in a relationship that just isn't working. In the long run, it’s detrimental to your quest to find a partner you truly are compatible with (if that’s your ultimate goal). Plus, being single again doesn't have to be scary: You may even find that exploring your life as an individual can help you get in touch with yourself. So instead of worrying about how to end a long-term relationship, let's put your fears to rest and determine how to break up while being fair to both parties.

Below, clinical psychologists and relationship experts explain the best ways to end a long-term partnership.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

Once you're certain that you're ready to have the talk, it's important to prepare yourself for the breakup. You might be concerned about your partner's reaction—or changing your daily routine (and the impact on your own mental health). Ultimately, it's normal to worry about how ending a relationship will take a toll on your life. "In planning to break up with someone, you’ll go through a fair amount of distress yourself. Depending on how long you've anticipated the breakup, you’ll likely experience some form of anxiety or dread as you look ahead to taking unpleasant steps," says Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP, a psychologist. Those unpleasant steps might seem impossible at first, but some preparation can make the transition easier for both parties.

Start by thinking about what you need to say—and how you'll say it—to get an idea of how the conversation should go. You'll also want to choose a time and place that's conducive to an honest, serious conversation (for example, approaching this talk over a brunch date may not be the best idea).

Conversation Starters

Not entirely sure how to approach this conversation from the start? Consider these conversation openers from Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship and love strategist.

• "I want to have an honest conversation with you about our relationship. Can we sit down and talk?"
• "I've been feeling our relationship has run its course, and I think it's best for both of us that we move on."
• "I am appreciative of the time we have had together, but I feel it's important for us to explore different paths."
  

Proactively Consider Your Living Arrangement

Do you share an apartment or home? Before you have a conversation, consider making temporary living arrangements. "Can you stay with a friend? Are you able to find temporary housing? Move in with a family member or on your own?" says Overstreet. "Knowing what your limitations and options are regarding your living situation will give you a head start in knowing you won't be stuck living in this awkward break-up scenario indefinitely."

Making even a tentative plan in advance will also "relieve some of your burden as you separate," adds Overstreet. "Knowing there is a timeframe if you do have to continue to live together—which can be incredibly uncomfortable and lengthen the physical and emotional process of breaking up—will give you some additional solace in the first part of ending your relationship."

Be Honest and Proceed With Empathy

You don’t want to hurt your partner, but you still need to be genuine about why you want to break up. As hard as the truth might be, you'll be helping the other person understand by giving context about why the relationship is no longer working for you. When you're preparing for the conversation, think of a few ways to break the news and explain your reasoning in a gentle way. "Ideally, talk more about you and your feelings, rather than about the other and their behavior," says psychologist Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W. "You don’t want to be angry, you don’t want to be blaming. Instead, you want to be as calm as you can, clear, [and] give a reason that you can state in one or two sentences."

Breakups are already tough, so take care not to make it come across in ways that hurt worse than it has to. Consider how you'd feel in their situation: You'd probably expect honesty and kindness from your partner if the table was turned, which is why practicing empathy is important, notes Overstreet—but don't let that empathy cloud your overarching message. "Let the other person know that it's not working and that you and you feel the relationship should end. Use your 'I' statements, like 'I have appreciated the time we have had together, but I feel we are in two different places, and I do not want to continue this relationship,'" she shares. "Be prepared for an emotional reaction from the person you’re breaking up with, but keep your intentions to end the relationship succinct and to the point."

Encourage a Dialogue

After you have expressed how you feel and why you are ending the relationship, encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings, too. "Don't become defensive—just actively listen. Even if the breakup is warranted, these moments are opportunities to deepen your emotional maturity and growth for your future relationships," says Overstreet. "During this conversation, you may hear or learn more about some of your relationship blindspots. This can be a good thing—sometimes it's hard to recognize or have self-awareness around how you have impacted the relationship, too, even if you are ending it."

Work Together on a Game Plan

Yes, you've proactively considered your living arrangements if you cohabitate, but you'll need to work together to figure out the logistics of your breakup. According to Overstreet, creating distance should be your first priority. "See which one of you can move out immediately. Determine if there is a way to break the lease or come up with an equitable way to help you or the other person move out if you have invested in a property together," she says. "If you must continue to live together until you figure out your living arrangements, establish some ground rules of what that will look like for one another and a timeframe for when that will end. Determine how things will be managed financially, who will sleep in what part of the house, privacy rules, management of household responsibilities, etc."

Discuss Future Contact

Some of us don't like to stay friends with our exes, while others find the transition into life as individuals easier when they can still reach out. At first, it might be best to stop contact with each other to give yourself time to adjust to your new life. "Be proactive rather than reactive. Define your own policy on communication, set boundaries—that, for example, you won’t respond to text messages, or will only talk on the phone at certain times," says Taibbi.

Taibbi also notes that if your ex has a hard time accepting the breakup, you'll need to be consistent with your interactions. If you've decided to stop contact, resist the urge to respond when you're lonely so you aren't sending mixed signals.

Break the News to Friends

Give yourself as much time as you need, but the sooner you confide in close friends and family, the faster it will feel like reality (plus, you’ll have someone to talk to about the situation). This doesn’t mean you should bash your ex, though—especially not with mutual friends. "Family, friends, and co-workers are naturally going to be asking you what happened. Decide in advance to whom and what you want to share [while considering] those outside your intimate circle," says Taibbi. It’s helpful to know what you'll say ahead of time so you don’t get flustered. Something like “We’re not together anymore—unfortunately, it didn’t work out,” should do the trick.

Exchange Your Things

If you don't live together, you don't need to navigate logistics regarding personal items right away. After the dust has settled, it's a good time to determine how you'll exchange your things. Consider "ripping off the Band-Aid" to get past the worst of it. By removing these reminders from your lives, you'll both be able to leave the pain in the past sooner. You can choose a method that works for you. If it helps you move on, you might decide to leave each other's things with a mutual friend or send them in the mail. Some people prefer the step of closure, however, so be understanding if your ex would rather meet in person to say goodbye.

Be Kind to Yourself

Even if it was your idea to end a long-term relationship, the situation can still be emotionally taxing on both people. When you're having trouble being alone or missing your ex, devise a plan for coping. That might mean finding a new hobby to occupy your thoughts, or focusing on spending time with your friends. Whatever route you choose, it's important to cope with the situation instead of avoiding it.

It's okay to let go of any blame you might place on yourself; all relationships are different, and for most people, it takes a few tries to find what's right. Whether you're embracing the freedom of single life or imagining your dream partner, be sure to keep your own best interest in mind. And when it gets hard, don't feel bad for taking a mental health day with your old pals, Ben & Jerry.

What Not to Do When Ending a Long-Term Relationship

• Don't have sex: It can be tempting, but physical intimacy can confuse, prolong, or send mixed messages, especially when one party or more is in a fragile state after being informed of the breakup, says Overstreet.
• Don't involve friends or family in the actual breakup: "It's tempting during a breakup to get friends and family involved. But in this initial conversation, keep it between the two of you," explains Overstreet. "This shows respect for your partner, and if the situation was reversed, you'd likely want similar treatment."
• Don't play the blame game: Don't point blame or make hurtful accusations. Instead, focus on your own feelings and needs. "If you have some emotions or words you’d like to release, air them out to a therapist, trusted confident, or your journal," says Overstreet.
• Don't escalate the situation: Whatever happens, keep your cool—and expect the other person's emotions to flair. "It's likely going to be a touchy topic, so it will be easy for feelings to escalate," notes Overstreet. "Keep the conversation civil, and don't get into a heated argument or make an emotional outburst."
• Don't rehash the past: Focus on moving forward. "A breakup is meant to help give you a break from the person and an opportunity to move on and forward," says Overstreet. "Keep that in mind when you have a desire to add additional commentary about your relationship with the person."