How to Deal With Difficult In-Laws

Although it isn’t ideal, having difficult in-laws is a pretty common experience. Since your spouse’s family has their own set of beliefs, traditions, and values that they uphold, when you enter their family, you bring your own unique background, which can throw off the established system and cause tension, according to licensed clinical psychologist Melissa “Dr. Mel” Robinson-Brown. Not to mention, your partner’s family might struggle with letting them start their own family unit that could potentially supersede theirs.

This resistance to change can lead to intrusive behaviors from your in-laws, such as having unreasonable demands to attend to their needs, planning excessive family obligations, and sharing unsolicited advice. Over time, these actions can wear away at your relationship. “Partners have named increased stress and anxiety, strains on communication, less satisfaction in the marriage, feeling like loyalty is divided—especially when a partner feels torn between their partner and their family of origin—less emotional and physical intimacy, and mental health concerns,” Robinson-Brown says.

When there’s friction with a friend or coworker, it’s easy enough to cut your losses and move on. However, when you’re dealing with difficult in-laws, whether it’s an overbearing father-in-law or a nosy sister-in-law, you can’t just sever ties with them. Once you’re married, your spouse’s parents and siblings become a permanent part of your life, so at the very least, you’ll need to coexist with them. Robinson-Brown explains that accepting your in-laws and withholding the impulse to react on emotion will make family gatherings more enjoyable and your relationship with your significant other less tense. 

Luckily, there are ways to navigate these tricky interpersonal relationships and maintain harmony in the family unit. Below, Robinson-Brown and licensed marriage and family therapist Billie Tyler share their top tips on how to deal with difficult in-laws.

Signs Difficult In-Laws Are Affecting Your Relationship

Difficult relationships with your in-laws, especially when their negative behavior is recurring and disruptive, can cause stress and tension that impede your marriage. Here are the signs that your in-laws are affecting your relationship, according to the experts.

You Spend a Lot of Time Discussing Your In-Laws

If you and your partner are constantly having conversations about your difficult in-laws, it's often a sign of trouble. “If most of the discussion between a couple is spent arguing or even just talking about parents, it is probably causing strain on the relationship," Tyler says. "If one or both of the partners begin to feel apprehensive or even fearful of interactions that involve the in-laws, this too will take its toll. It may even lead to avoiding the topic altogether, which is also harmful.”  

You Question Your Decision-Making Ability

If your mother-in-law is always sharing unsolicited advice on how to run your family or judging the current method that you follow, you or your partner might start to doubt your ability to make sound decisions and feel less confident in those you've already made. "This can lead to one or both partners becoming dependent on on in-laws to make decisions, both big and small," Robinson-Brown notes. As a result, you'll feel less autonomous in your relationship.

You Constantly Argue About Appropriate Boundaries

If your partner's family frequently infringes upon your privacy and personal space, such as showing up to your house unannounced, you might feel that setting a boundary is necessary. Your spouse, however, may disagree because they're family. As a result, you'll probably feel frustrated with and resentful of your partner for minimizing the situation and failing to take action. "It may also threaten the feeling of unity amongst you and your partner," Robinson-Brown says.

Your Alone Time Is Jeopardized

In the midst of professional obligations, household chores, and possibly childcare, you and your spouse likely have little free time to spend together as is. With mandatory family outings and incessant phone calls from your in-laws, the opportunity to bond one-on-one is basically nonexistent. Plus, using your weekends, evenings, and any other free moment to attend to these demands from your partner's family can make you feel resentful toward your spouse.

You're Plagued by Feelings of Guilt

According to Robinson-Brown, in-laws often try to make their child's partner feel guilty as a way to control their behavior and get the outcome they want, such as mandating your attendance at Thanksgiving or choosing where your child goes to preschool. If you don't oblige to their demands, they might say hurtful comments that suggest you're making a bad decision or that you're a bad person. "It’s a tool for manipulation that can create a divide between you and your partner, especially if your partner yields to the guilt-tripping while you are trying to resist it," Robinson-Brown states. "This can be detrimental to the relationship because it can cause feelings of anger, resentment, and even create distance between partners."

How To Deal With Difficult In-Laws

Like it or not, your partner's family will always be a part of your life. Luckily, there are steps you can take to navigate these challenging relationships without ruining your marriage. Here's how to deal with difficult in-laws.

Maintain a United Front 

When dealing with difficult in-laws, you and your spouse must stand by each other and keep the lines of communication open, no matter what happens. "Couples must lean into each other and decide together what their stance is about the role the in-laws play in their relationship," Tyler says. "Even if things do not change much with the in-laws, the couple will feel better, and they can navigate the challenges more easily because there is security in knowing they have each other’s back.”

Don’t Ignore the Problem

Ignoring the problem isn't the answer to any issue, including those with your spouse's relatives. If your in-law's behavior is taking a toll on you and your relationship, denying the existence and impact of their treatment won't solve anything; the issue will only persist, and the longer it goes on, the more it will interfere with your personal and relational health. Dismissing the challenging situation might seem enticing if you have the tendency to people-please and keep the peace, but addressing the problem head-on will improve the quality of your life.

Communicate Directly With the Offending Party

One of the worst things you can do is put your spouse in the middle of the fray. Whenever possible, speak to your in-laws directly. Be honest and clear about what’s bothering you, but don’t make your spouse the intermediary. Over time, this can lead to resentment and put an unnecessary strain on your marriage. 

Try To Avoid Knee-Jerk Reactions 

When your in-laws say something offensive or out of line, your first instinct may be to return fire. However, reacting on emotion will only escalate the situation. When your in-laws cross the line, give yourself some time and space from the matter before addressing it. Whether it’s a few hours or a few days, a little breathing room will give everyone time to temper their response. In the end, you’ll likely find that your conversation is far more productive. 

Establish Boundaries and Stick to Them

In order to keep the peace (and your sanity), it’s important to set boundaries. Set them sooner than later, and stick to them. When in-laws (or anyone for that matter) are given too much latitude, things can quickly get out of control. Don’t be afraid to set clear limits. If weekly Sunday brunches are a bit much, think about knocking it down to once a month. If money matters or unsolicited parenting advice is off the table, then say so. Then, continue to restate them. "These boundaries have to be firm and consistently held," Robinson-Brown recommends. "Boundaries will be less effective if they are only adhered 90 percent of the time."

Practice Empathy

Taking the high road isn't always easy, but putting yourself in your in-laws' shoes will help you understand their behavior, which may diminish the impact they have on your life. “To create a path toward harmony, time must be spent to try and understand the perspective of each person involved," Tyler advises. "Curiosity and empathy must be the lead in all pursuits of peace. If everyone can feel understood, there is more room for flexibility and change to happen in these relationships.” 

Attend Couples Counseling

If dealing with difficult in-laws is an impossible feat, especially if your relationship is suffering in turn, consider talking to a professional. Attending couples counseling will give you and your spouse the opportunity to voice your grievances in front of a trained expert and impartial listener. The therapist will help you work through the situation by reframing your thoughts and teaching you skills and strategies to navigate the issue.

How to Protect Your Marriage from Difficult In-Laws

Even after clearly communicating with your in-laws and setting appropriate boundaries, if your spouse's relatives continue to be a source of difficulty in your life, your relationship can still prevail. Here's how to protect your marriage from difficult in-laws.

Communicate With Your Partner

Having an open, honest, and ongoing line of communication with your partner will help you feel supported in the face of difficult in-laws. Whenever a concern about their family arises, talk to your spouse about how the issue affects you. Make sure to specify how your significant other can be there for you.

Develop Conflict Resolution Skills

There will likely be times when dealing with your difficult in-laws results in friction between the you and your spouse. While arguing is inevitable, there are healthy ways to approach the conflict, so it doesn't interfere with your partnership. "Make it a point to have rules related to healthy fighting with your partner, including having discussions when partners are less activated, using 'I' statements and reflecting feelings (vs. accusations), and avoiding weaponizing vulnerabilities when in conflict," Robinson-Brown advises.

Invest in Your Relationship

While it's important to discuss issues with difficult in-laws, focusing too heavily on the subject can cause a divide between you and your spouse. Instead of rehashing a situation over and over again, redirect that time and energy toward strengthening your relationship like scheduling date nights, making dinner together, or going for a stroll where you talk about your days.

Create Your Own Traditions

If your in-laws are demanding your attendance at family functions, whether it's the holidays or a weekly commitment, start creating your own traditions with your spouse. Robinson-Brown suggests having Christmas at your house with just your side of the family or taking a vacation with just you and your spouse instead of attending your in-laws' gatherings. This will give you and your significant other the opportunity to build your own family outside of your partner's relatives.