How to Break Up With Someone You Love, According to Relationship Experts

Unfortunately, not every relationship in your life will work out. And while dating (and finding the right match) is a part of life, ending a dynamic that you care about is never easy. Regardless of whether you've been with your partner for three months or five years, knowing when and how to call it off can be difficult. How can you lead with empathy and care? Is there a way to end things that doesn't leave them—or you—feeling angry and hurt? These are difficult questions. It's never easy to say goodbye to a person that you deeply care about. Yet while there's no perfect solution to this dilemma, there are expert-backed tips on how to break up with someone you love in a kind and respectful way.

"Would you want someone to date you that fully intended on breaking up with you?," asks Sameera Sullivan, a matchmaker and relationship expert. "No. So respect the other person. You're not only leading them on and wasting their time, you're doing the same to yourself. People do this for years, and wake up single [and] full of regret after they finally find the 'right time.' If a breakup is inevitable, now is the only right time."

Ahead, we ask Sullivan and Dr. Paulette Sherman, a licensed psychotherapist, to share their advice on how to break up with someone you love once you know your relationship is over. Read on for all of their words of wisdom.

4 Signs It May Be Time to Break Up With Your Partner

Considering a breakup with someone you care about can be a difficult and painful process. While they may be the perfect partner on paper, it's important to come to terms with the fact that they might not be the perfect partner for you. Just because there aren't any major red flags or indiscretions to push your hand, that doesn't mean that two supportive individuals in a healthy relationship can't outgrow one another. Ultimately, if you're looking outwardly for signs on whether to call it quits or not, chances are you won't find the answers you're looking for. Only reaching inward and being truthful with yourself can help guide you through this crossroad. However, if you're struggling with hearing your intuition, there are some questions you can ask yourself before ending your relationship. Consider the following:

• Do you find that you keep fighting over the same things without any growth or resolution?
• Are you finding it difficult to be your authentic self around your partner?
• Are you being pulled in different directions in life (career paths, desires to have children, life stages, lifestyle expectations, etc.) and unwilling to compromise?
• What is still keeping you in this relationship?

If your answers to each of these questions seem to point to all the wrong reasons to be with someone, such as your expectations of others, ego, habits, or a fear of being alone, then you may want to rethink being with your partner.

How to Break Up With Someone You Love

If you've decided to end a long-term relationship, it can feel overwhelming. However, there are a few things you can do, as well as common tendencies you can avoid, to ensure the breakup is kind, honest, and respectful.

Put Yourself in Their Position

Before breaking up with someone, put yourself in their position and the mental space they may be in during this difficult conversation. By thinking about how you'll conduct the talk ahead of time, you can avoid additional pain—and plan for any uncomfortable situations. "What would you want or expect?," Sullivan asks. "Be honest! If the answer is an in-person meeting and a candid explanation, do that. If you've only been dating a few weeks, a phone call might be appropriate."

There's no doubt that these conversations can be hard. However, Sullivan points out that avoiding the breakup is just as damaging. Considering how the other person feels—and how they deal with emotional situations—can help you find the best way to approach the topic without making it harder for them.

Don't Assign Blame

While your desire to end the relationship might be rooted in your partner's poor behavior, the breakup will only be made worse by attempting to assign blame. "You don't need to go into your every reason for the breakup, but if asked, you can choose a general one to explain your decision," Sherman says. "While some daters may find it helpful to know why the other person chose to break up with them (to have closure or possibly learn from it), others may not want specific details. You can take their lead about this."

Shift the way you phrase issues in the relationship to avoid assigning any blame. "Communicate what wasn't working from your perspective," Sullivan says. "Use statements that start with 'I'—I felt (blank), I couldn't reconcile (blank), I need to (blank). No one can argue with what you're stating to be true for yourself." This will also prevent the other person from feeling attacked.

Consider the Location

Choosing a location for a breakup can be difficult, but it's helpful to have the conversation in a place where you both feel comfortable. Consider whether your partner will feel secure enough to react honestly—a public place with plenty of strangers around may not allow them to express their feelings comfortably. "Anticipate the conversation," Sullivan says. "Will it be heated? Sad? Emotional? Will they react aggressively? Wherever you decide to do it, make sure there's some element of privacy. Less privacy is better if you want to keep their reaction under control or if the physical connection is so strong that there's a risk you won't follow through with the conversation."

However, make sure the location isn't too comfortable. Sherman also points out that breaking up with someone in their home might seem like a good idea, but it can make the conversation harder. "The downside is [that] it might take longer, be more uncomfortable, and could take a more dramatic turn where the other person yells—or doesn't want you to leave afterward," she says.

Avoid Lying About the Reason

It's okay to cushion the blow, but Sullivan cautions against lying about your motivations for the breakup. "Don't lie, but don't be mean," she says. If your partner asks for an explanation, she recommends giving one or two reasons without being too specific. Try to explain your thoughts gently. For example, consider acknowledging that you don't want the same things or that you handle emotional situations in different ways.

Sherman also notes you shouldn't ghost your partner (without telling them it's over) or say that you want a break when you actually want to cut ties. "Please avoid any rendition of, 'It's not you, it's me,'" Sullivan adds, noting that it's unproductive for both parties. Additionally, make sure the conversation is helpful for your partner: They won't be able to learn from this relationship if they don't know why you were unhappy together.

Set Clear Boundaries

Once you've told your significant other that you want to end the relationship, it's crucial to set boundaries. Discuss whether you want to be contacted by your new ex in the future. And while it can be difficult to navigate the days and weeks following a breakup, Sherman says that physical contact should be avoided. "The biggest mistake you can make during a breakup is to have breakup sex with the [other] person," she says. You should also set personal boundaries, and avoid social-media stalking once you've ended the relationship.

Expert to Feel Your Feelings

Hurt feelings are an inevitable part of breaking up, so it's normal to feel upset and sad once you've ended a relationship with someone you love. If there are any negative feelings of grief or sadness, don't push them away. This is never effective and will only cause you more distress down the line. Sit in awareness of your emotions and feel all there is to feel, without allowing them to overwhelm you. Seeking the help of a therapist can help you through this process. While it won't initially feel this way, remind yourself that you broke up with this person because it's the best decision for you and your life, and, ultimately, healing takes time.

Create a Post-Breakup Plan

After the breakup, and once you're ready, create a plan that'll help you rebuild your life and point you toward the things that bring you joy. Reach out to friends and family. Focus on creating new experiences that will breathe new excitement and vibrancy into your life. Get curious, try new things, and find new hobbies. Eventually, you'll feel restored, replenished, and ready to love again. Although it may feel difficult right now, moving on is a way to help yourself—and your partner—start fresh.