Here's How People Who Commit Adultery Justify Cheating, According to an Expert

When it comes to infidelity within a marriage, adulterers generally know what they're doing is wrong. However, even though they're aware of this moral standpoint, many still convince themselves it's okay to cheat for a number of reasons. Some may say, "It's just going to happen once" while others could think, "It's with a stranger, so it doesn't mean anything." Cheaters are ultimately excellent negotiators and will tell themselves just about anything to lessen the guilt of betraying their partner.

"The biggest one I hear is, 'I wasn't getting my needs met in the marriage,'" says Rachel Sussman, a relationship expert, licensed psychotherapist, and author of The Breakup Bible. "Both men and women say they feel they weren't getting the emotional connection from their partner that they were looking for," she further explains. But, despite what anyone says, if you've been cheated on, you are not to blame for your spouse's affair. While the cheating partner's feelings may be justified, the action of cheating is not a valid response to those emotions.

With all this in mind, if your spouse committed adultery and you want to understand how they were able to go through with it, we asked Sussman to break down the psychology of this action. Read on for more.

What Is Adultery?

Adultery is when a married person voluntarily engages in sexual intercourse with someone outside of their monogamous marriage. Also known as an "extramarital affair," this type of infidelity often leads to divorce and can have a detrimental effect on the spouse who was cheated on, including anxiety, PTSD, and depression.

Common Ways People Justify Adultery

Here, Sussman highlights six things cheaters tell themselves to justify their behavior. Before you dive in, though, always remember this one fact: While it's tempting to define ethical behavior on your own terms, your spouse should know that sleeping with someone else is especially cruel no matter how they try to justify it.

"I wasn't getting my needs met."

According to Sussman, the most common justification cheaters use is that they weren't getting their needs met in the relationship. They'll often say, "I was lonely" or "I was being ignored," she explains. The cheating partner might also justify their actions by pointing out their partner's issues, such as being controlling, having a drug and alcohol problem, or being inattentive. Some might even say their partner has been too busy with work or the kids and that they no longer feel prioritized. 

Whatever the reason your spouse may give, the real issue is that they had an affair instead of dealing with their relationship dissatisfaction upfront. Sussman often tells her clients this: "Instead of confronting your spouse, you've chosen to deal with it through going outside of the relationship. So you lost all your credibility as far as getting your partner to change."

"My partner doesn't care anyways."

Often people who cheat tell themselves that their behavior is justified because their partner doesn't care about them and, therefore, wouldn't care if they strayed. No matter how troubled the relationship might be, however, guessing that a spouse or long-term partner wouldn't care about an affair is a lofty assumption. On some level, the cheating spouse probably knows this, but believing the lies they tell themselves is probably easier than accepting what they've done: Breaking the trust within their relationship.

"I warn [individuals] that most people do get caught having an affair and that it's extremely painful for the person who discovers the affair," says Sussman. "Even if the person who's having the affair has validity as for why they're unhappy, they'll lose all that power as soon as the partner finds out about the affair." 

"I just can't be monogamous."

Although it's rare for a client to admit to a sex or love addiction forthright when they first enter therapy, they may say things like, "I just can't be monogamous" or "I like the thrill of being with different people," says Sussman. Most of the time, a person who is cheating or having an affair (or serial affairs)—and says they can't stop—is doing so to cope with other problems, whether relationship-related or psychological. "I call it a really poor coping device," notes Sussman. "They're struggling and they're using an affair to cope with their issues," she continues. "It's like using drugs or alcohol to cope. It just doesn't work; it's a temporary fix."

"It was only a one-time fling."

Maybe the thought of cheating had never occurred to your partner until they were put in a position to actually do it. For instance, if they're out drinking with friends and an attractive stranger shows interest, they may decide to cheat "just this one time." They may justify it later by saying they "weren't thinking," and if they had taken a minute to consider what cheating could mean for their relationship, they probably wouldn't have gone through with it. They might even think it's excusable because it only happened once, and they're sure they'll never do it again.

While your spouse may never do it again, it's important to remember that, no matter how much they drink or how attractive they find the person giving them attention, it's difficult to go through with an action like cheating "without thinking." Poor judgment, opportunity, and lack of self-control are not excuses to cheat.

"I'm not in love with my partner."

A person who cheats on their partner might try to justify the situation by assuring themselves that they're no longer in love and the relationship has been over for a long time. Someone who does this may emotionally remove themselves from their relationship in order to make sense of their choice to break vows and other promises made.

"What I always think is, whatever your problem in the marriage is, in the relationship is, deal with it," says Sussman. She further adds that, instead of cheating, individuals should always communicate their issues to their partners before heading down a destructive path.

"I'm not a bad person."

A cheating spouse might try to tell themselves that they're not a bad person even though they're doing a bad thing. After all, good people can mess up every now and then, right? That may be true, but it doesn't exactly suffice as a good reason to cheat.

They may also believe that they've done all they can do to save their marriage and that they deserve to be happy—even if that's with someone other than their spouse. That also may be true, but the time for them to explore other options is after they're legally separated.