Key Takeaways
- If your partner avoids meeting your family or friends, they may not be ready for a long-term commitment.
- A history of multiple serious relationships could signal a pattern of temporary commitment rather than a desire to settle down.
- Someone who focuses only on career goals and avoids discussing personal or family aspirations might not be in it for the long haul.
Though the phrase serial monogamist is often tossed around to jokingly describe that friend who always seems to be in a relationship, it's actually a term many individuals should be cognizant of when seeking out a lifelong partnership. Simply put, while a serial monogamist is "someone who prioritizes being in one committed relationship at a time," explains licensed mental health counselor Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC, how they view dating and the number of partners they've previously had could be cause for concern.
Why? Well, some serial monogamists are known to continuously bounce from person to person to avoid staying in a committed partnership—not to mention they might even have a fear of settling down. Some may also have codependent tendencies, and their desire to always be in a monogamous relationship is simply a byproduct of unhealed emotional wounds.
“Remember, not that long ago, a commitment to marriage meant a relationship had to last about 20 to 30 years. Now, as life expectancy has extended, that commitment is twice as long. That scares people,” says psychologist Vivian Diller, Ph.D. (which explains why some serial monogamists would rather have a string of long-term relationships than invest in one). On top of longevity, many cultural values that fostered lifelong monogamy, such as religion and family ties, may not be as impactful today.
Meet the Expert
- Vivian Diller, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist based in New York City with other 30 years of clinical experience.
- Harriet Pappenheim, LCSW, BCD is a founding therapist of Park Avenue Relationship Consultants and has over 30 years of experience in relationship and couples therapy.
- Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC is a licensed mental health counselor practicing in both New York and Texas. She specializes in individual and relationship counseling.
So, what do you do if you’re ready to settle down but think you're dating a serial monogamist? Here, Diller, Okerayi, and Harriet Pappenheim, LCSW, BCD, share their insights on how to discern if you're with someone who wants a lifelong commitment or if you're dating an individual who isn't ready to settle down.
7 Signs You're Dating a Serial Monogamist
In general, the best way to figure out if you're dating a serial monogamist is to have an open conversation with the person you're seeing. "Discuss what you're both looking for in a relationship and check in frequently. So if you're looking for a longer-term commitment, communicating that to your partner is important so that you're both on the same page," shares Okerayi. That said, there are a few signs that tend to indicate that someone is a serial monogamist—signs the experts highlight below.
They have a history of long-term relationships.
While a serial monogamist likely has never been married or engaged, they do tend to have a history of long-term relationships. “They enjoy deepening a relationship and getting close with others, rather than keeping things casual and light,” Diller explains. This doesn’t mean you should jump ship anytime you’re with someone who's had multiple serious relationships, but the experts recommend being wary of a pattern of temporary commitment.
They lack independence.
Pappenheim shares that living with parents or with multiple roommates may be a sign of a serial monogamist. Yes, living with roommates is often required when residing in a big city with skyrocketing rent prices, but if you’re dating someone who lives at home or with too many roommates, this could be a red flag. “[It’s] as if they were still in college,” adds Pappenheim. A person who is looking to settle down likely doesn’t need their parents to support them or multiple roommates to make rent and keep them entertained.
They show no interest in meeting your family.
Diller suggests that serial monogamists tend to have strong family ties of their own, but it's their lack of interest in meeting your family and friends that's often the issue. If the person you're dating hasn't made an effort to meet the people closest to you, Pappenheim notes that you should begin to question that individual's intentions.
They are unconcerned with your relationship history.
If you’re seeing someone who has little interest in learning about your past relationships, they might be a serial monogamist. Part of being in a meaningful relationship is understanding your partner’s past and learning from it as you move toward a future together. Someone who doesn’t care to learn about what you’ve been through may not be ready for the long term. “They are on a superficial ride,” adds Pappenheim.
Their goals are exclusively career-oriented.
There is nothing wrong with being driven and passionate about your career. However, the issue here stems from a lack of interest in other parts of life besides work. According to Pappenheim, a serial monogamist is likely to only discuss career goals, not goals about family or more personal aspirations.
They are indifferent to your opinions.
One sign you can look out for is if your partner is uninterested in your views. If they don’t seem to care about your opinions on politics, religion, or any topic that is of importance to you, you might question their intentions. Your values are what make you who you are, and it’s important to find a partner who engages with you in these subjects and cares about what you think.
They get caught up in the moment.
Pappenheim and Diller both suggest that a serial monogamist tends to bring intensity and passion for a time, but ultimately it will not last. “Although they may be very seductive, sensual, and intimate, it goes no further than the temporary romance,” Pappenheim shares. Of course, passion and intensity are essential to a union, but it can be problematic if this is the only grounding of your relationship when you’re looking for someone who’s in it for the long haul. “They bring an intensity to current relationships that are enjoyable while it lasts, but it is often unsustainable, so they move on,” Diller explains.
