Many wedding elements have evolved over the last 100 years, from who walks the bride down the aisle–or whether she walks herself—to the age of the couple, the length of their engagement, and the way they met. But even as couples get married later, choose more lavish destinations, and modernize ceremony traditions, many follow their great-grandparents’ example in at least one regard: They build a wedding registry to guide guests toward the gifts they want (and need) to start their life together.
Chicago department store Marshall Field’s—now Macy’s—is commonly acknowledged as the first retailer to offer a wedding registry: They provided the service to couples as early as 1924. For decades, couples have walked a fine line that balances consideration for their friends and family, as they choose guest-friendly stores, price points, and items, with their own tastes and preferences. Your grandparents might have requested groovy home goods in stark contrast to the traditional crystal and china their parents chose; you might register for date night gift cards or home security cameras.
While some registry etiquette guidelines have changed over the past century—hello, honeymoon funds—others are as firm as ever (do not forget that thank-you note). Follow these essential dos and don'ts to create a registry that seamlessly and successfully aligns your wants and needs with a flawless guest experience.
Do Make a Registry (Even If You Think You Don’t Need One)
While etiquette doesn’t require couples to create a wedding registry, experts encourage couples to put one together—even if they feel their home is well-stocked with linens, kitchen appliances, and picture frames. Refusing to register doesn’t mean guests won't send a gift: It means they’ll choose something they like, often without an idea of your taste. “The reality is, if you don’t create a wedding registry, you’ll still receive at least a few gifts,” says Emily Romeu, Brand Manager at Zola. “So look at your registry as a way to help guide your guests on what to give you, or otherwise, be happy with whatever they choose.”
Consider upgrading your cookware, requesting a splurge-worthy set of towels, or adding new tools for your future fixer-upper. “If you have older guests, there's a tradition that they like to follow, which is to bring or send a gift for a wedding,” says lifestyle and etiquette expert Elaine Swann, founder of The Swann School of Protocol.. “My recommendation is to just take a moment and register somewhere, so that if someone asks, you can say, here it is, this is what's on my list.” Hoping to pad your honeymoon fund or save a little more for your next big home improvement project? Request cash or gift cards toward a future expense.
Do Consider Your Guests' Shopping Habits
Make shopping easy for your guests by choosing stores or online retailers that are convenient for them to access and that offer a range of items that fit both your taste and their budget. “When it comes to where you should register, you should find a happy medium between what you like and need for your home and the demographic of your guests—not necessarily yourself,” says Swann. “If you’re a high earner, but you come from a small town where the cost of living is not as high, and that’s going to be the makeup of most of your guests, then find a place that fits within folks’ budget, and determine what you like there.”
If your family and your future in-laws are at two different ends of the spending spectrum, consider choosing one boutique (or chain) geared toward each set of relatives. “It's a great idea to choose a local store in each place, so this way it gives both sides of the family a means to contribute to the wedding that's meaningful to them,” says Swann. And while online registries are the norm, you should consider your less tech-savvy relatives, too, and offer a brick-and-mortar option.
Don't Feel Tied to Tradition
Generations of brides and grooms have used their wedding registries as a means to stocking a new home with cooking essentials, linens, and tableware: pots and pans, sheets and towels, plates and flatware. If that’s not what you need, allow yourself to redefine the concept of essentials. “Those needs have changed because couples have changed,” says Swann. “Some folks may be getting married a little later in life, some may have already been living together, and both of those groups maybe don't need as much to start.”
Registering for experiences or future costs is an increasingly common approach for couples who don’t need (or want) traditional home items. “I think it's important for couples to think of things that are going to help them as they embark on their new phase of life,” says Swann. “Now it's more acceptable to have a honeymoon registry or a scholastic registry or educational registry”—ideal for couples continuing their schooling after getting married. Romeu agrees: “Don’t be afraid to ask for cash!” she says. “It’s totally acceptable to ask for donations towards a future life together. Some guests even prefer to give to a cash fund.”
If you know you have guests who will balk at the idea of giving cash, suggest a few gifts that go beyond linen closets and kitchen cabinets. “If you're not selecting traditional items, think about things that can enhance the home,” says Swann: tools for your basement woodshop; gardening equipment instead of cooking appliances; security cameras for your porch and yard; a gift card for custom photo framing. “It doesn't have to be home and kitchen, sheets and gadgets, but the perspective is still the home or the new life,” says Swann.
Do Choose Expensive (and Inexpensive) Items
A cohesive registry should include items at a variety of price ranges, from a $5 kitchen gadget or an inexpensive set of dish towels to an high-quality set of cookware or an heirloom vase. “It's a smart investment to have some higher-cost items on your registry,” says Swann. “Think quality—not something that's expensive just for the sake of having a high cost, but that's made well, the craftsmanship is superb, and it's going to last for a long time."
For high-end items you know are out of reach of a single guest, whether it’s your Costa Rican honeymoon or your dream outdoor pizza oven, set up your registry to allow multiple guests to contribute to a single item. “Break up bigger asks into specific funds,” says Romeu. “For example, instead of registering for one large honeymoon fund, you can create separate funds for airline tickets, a night at the hotel, and dinners on the beach. This also helps make the act of giving cash feel more personal for your guests.”
Registering for inexpensive items alongside those with a higher price tag offers guests maximum flexibility to shop within their budget. “A $10 zester (which, by the way, is a total kitchen essential) absolutely counts as a gift,” says Romeu. “But most guests come to your registry with a budget in mind, say $50 or $75. That means they’re likely to bundle the zester with a cookbook and a baking sheet giving you a thoughtful little kitchen trio that adds up to their ideal spend.”
Don't Over-Register
While most stores will provide a list of items to add to your registry, the specific number of gifts you request will vary based on a variety of factors: How many people are invited to your shower or wedding; whether you need china service for 8 or 12; if you’ll use a full complement of cooking utensils or prefer an all-purpose wooden spoon. “There’s no hard-and-fast etiquette rule, but the size of your wedding and the types of items you're registering for will help guide your approach,” says Romeu. “The general rule of thumb: register for plenty of items so your guests have a variety to choose from across categories and price points.”
However, says Swann, don’t over-register: A list with too many options can overwhelm your guests, inspiring them to hit “add to cart” before scrolling through the full list. “Make it easy for people to purchase a gift for you,” she says. “If folks have to continue to scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, they may not get to see everything, so prioritize what you need and what you want.”
Don’t Share Your Registry Information on Your Invitation
Some of the most important registry etiquette surrounds how, when, and with whom you share the details of your list. “Whether your invitation is printed or electronic, don't put it on the actual invitation itself,” says Swann. Instead, the registry information can be included on a separate card as part of your paper suite and on your wedding website. You should also keep your registry link off social media—both to “protect your peace” from unwanted opinions, says Swann, and because it’s inappropriate to share the link with people who aren’t on your guest list. “Not everyone is invited to your wedding, and if you're not inviting everyone to your wedding, then you most certainly should not be requesting gifts from everyone on social media,” says Swann.
As for when to share your registry link, says Swann, “the minute you invite people, let them know you have a registry as well.” But not before: Even if you’ve set up a registry early in the planning process in anticipation of engagement gifts or your wedding shower, don’t send it out before finalizing your guest list. “You should not be sharing the registry with anyone that's not invited to the wedding,” says Swann.
Do Send a Thank-You Note for Every Gift
No matter how much time you spent debating every wine glass, garlic press, and napkin pattern before adding it to your registry, prepare yourself for guests to send gifts that you didn’t request. Proper etiquette still requires you to accept the gift with appreciation and send a thank-you note. “Be it digitally or via snail mail, guests will always appreciate receiving a personalized thank you from the happy couple,” says Romeu. Keep your message appreciative and send the note promptly. “Be grateful, say thank you,” says Swann. “A gift is a gift."
