7 Core Values Every Couple Must Agree on Before Their Wedding

Regardless of whether you and your partner have been together for six months or five years, you likely want to do what you can to ensure it's a long-lasting relationship. While every dynamic is unique, the ones that are most likely to succeed are comprised of two people who have a shared set of values. These core beliefs serves as the foundation of your connection—and help determine how you navigate any challenges you encounter. "When couples establish their relationship on shared values, they are saying, 'This is who we are, this is what's important to us, and this is how we function as a couple,'" says Chelsa Watkins-Jordan, licensed clinical social worker. "Shared values are the glue that holds the relationship together—in good times and bad."

When you and your significant other are aligned on your values, you'll be able to build a stronger partnership, progressing your connection. "There are only two directions for a relationship long term: growing together or growing apart," says Erica Hershey Ross, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "And without shared values, it becomes increasingly more challenging to manage the differences." Having such principles is incredibly important if you and your partner are discussing marriage. However, before establishing your joint values, you have to know what you personally value. "When two people are aware of their values, they learn to trust themselves and are acutely cognizant of the alignment of their values with those of others," Watkins-Jordan says.

Although you and your partner don't have to agree on every topic, if there are too many discrepancies in your principles, Ross says it may be an indication that the relationship isn't built for long-term success. Here, the experts break down the seven core values every couple needs to agree on before marriage.

Trust

Trust is the first value on this list for a reason. "Without trust, there is no foundation for a marriage," Ross says. Having faith in your partner is an essential ingredient for a healthy and happy relationship. When there's a certain level of trust in place, both you and your partner can live independent lives without second-guessing each other's intentions, plans, or actions. Having trust also means that you both feel comfortable to be your true selves. "Feeling safe creates a relationship where the two can be vulnerable enough to express their raw emotions without fear," Watkins-Jordan says. "They are willing to communicate their experiences to one another without motives being questioned."

If you're in a relationship where your significant other doesn't allow you to freely live your life, you'll likely start to resent your partner and distance yourself from them. "[Without shared values,] each person functions as an individual, which often leads them to lack consideration for the other when making decisions," Watkins-Jordan says. "This causes a lack of communication and trust."

Communication

Without a constant exchange of information, no relationship can grow. Being able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about your thoughts, feelings, and worries will create a deeper and more intimate connection. "Having healthy communication in relationships helps each person feel heard, seen, understood, and valued," Watkins-Jordan says.

Communication is especially important for resolving conflicts within your relationship. For instance, if your partner hasn't been doing their fair share of household chores, say exactly how you feel rather than stewing over the issue—or assuming that your partner can read your mind. To communicate more effectively, avoid blaming or shaming them and instead use "I" statements that express exactly how the behavior affects you. And when your partner talks, listen attentively and empathize with their point of view.

Honesty

You know what they say: Honesty is the best policy. And in relationships, that's certainly the case. By telling the truth and being your authentic self, you build trust with your partner. When sincerity is a shared value, you know exactly where the other person stands, so you don't have to guess or assume anything, which avoids misunderstandings. "When one person values being honest and the other doesn't, the relationship will constantly encounter lows," Watkins-Jordan says. "There will always be a question of 'Do I trust what my partner is saying or doing?' And the couple would hardly ever get to enjoy their time together."

However, being honest isn't always the easiest practice. For example, it can feel especially difficult or uncomfortable if you need to be honest about something your partner might take offense to. If you're ever worried about their reaction to something, remind yourself of your intentions, communicate your feelings calmly and directly, and trust that they will understand.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important way to improve your relationship with your partner and yourself. In addition to building closeness, boundaries can boost your self-esteem and wellbeing. Although it might feel safe to be overly agreeable, know that constantly try to people-please will ultimately make you lose your sense of self. Without boundaries, you'll become resentful, anxious, and unhappy. Ross recommends asking yourself what will make you feel seen, heard, and empowered so that you can be the best version of yourself. "Acknowledging each other's boundaries allows both people to understand what they are comfortable with without guessing or acting in a passive-aggressive manner," she says.

Religion

Since every religion has its own set of values and beliefs that can influence how you live your life, it has an important place in relationships. While having different religious beliefs from your partner isn't always a deal-breaker, such a situation can breed tension and disagreements. Even if you do have the same religious beliefs, Watkins-Jordan suggests discussing how you plan to incorporate those principles into your everyday lives. Will you attend services every week? How will you celebrate the holidays? And if you’re thinking about raising children, what will that look like? "Discuss family of origin religious beliefs, and decide prior to marriage if you wish to continue your own religious upbringing or pivot, so that it doesn't become a point of contention—or worse—a dividing aspect of the marriage," Ross says.

Respect

Healthy relationships are built on respect. When respect is a guiding principle in your relationship, you feel valued, acknowledged, and appreciated. "I feel once this is lost, everything else is hard," says Nita Cochran, a licensed professional counselor. "A mutual respect for each other can allow all other values to flow smoothly." Whether it's cleaning up after yourself or supporting your partner's career change, showing respect proves that you value and care about them. On the other hand, belittling or ignoring your partner's opinions, beliefs, dreams, thoughts, and emotions will make your relationship suffer.

Forgiveness

Even the healthiest and most successful relationships have disagreements. What sets them apart? Forgiveness. Instead of holding grudges, which can impede your wellbeing and weaken connections, make forgiveness a regular practice. "Forgiving one another brings you back toward each other rather than pushing each other away," Ross says. Everyone makes mistakes, and practicing forgiveness will release resentment, help you process the hurt, and allow you to move on. "Set aside ego as often as possible in order to find vulnerability and truly want your partner to feel loved and cared for in the aftermath," she adds.