50 Funny Quotes About Marriage Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

There's no shortage of sobering marriage advice out there. However, for many couples, the secret to making your partnership actually work is maintaining a sense of humor. Whether you’re a few years in or have decades behind you, a witty line or two may be all you need to put things in perspective. Maybe you just had a fight over whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher, or you're stressed about navigating the holiday season with both of your families. Regardless of the reason, sometimes, you just need to take a cue from a funny marriage quote (or two!) that perfectly encapsulates the beauty and pains of making a lifelong commitment to one another.

And who better to provide a dollop of truth serum than the folks we look up to? From celebrities and comedians to writers and prominent political figures, we’ve compiled the most hilariously accurate takes on what it's really like to be married. Any one of these quotes would make the perfect addition to your anniversary card, wedding vows, or even a playful "good morning" text. Trust us: Neither you nor your spouse will be able to contain your laughter.

Below, 50 funny marriage quotes that will have you (and your partner!) immediately chuckling.

Funny Marriage Quotes From Public Figures

• “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” —Michelle Obama 
• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: You have to start over again every morning.” –H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
• “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.” —Justin Timberlake 
• “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” —George Bernard Shaw
• “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” —Chip Gaines
• “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” —Joyce Brothers
• “In a good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” —Ruth Bader Ginsberg
• “I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On the one hand, he does the laundry. On the other hand, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.” —Molly McNearney
• “A friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.” —LeAnn Rimes 
• “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” —Mae West
• “Love is sharing your popcorn.” —Charles Schultz 
• “Love is being stupid together.” —Paul Valery
• “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” —Winston Churchill 
• “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” —Carroll Bryant
• “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” —Terry Pratchett
• “Love is a friendship set to music.” —Joseph Campbell 
• “If you love ‘em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ‘em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” —Miles Davis
• “Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” —Janet Periat

Funny Marriage Quotes from Actors and Actresses

• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
• “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” —Dax Shepard
• “I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.” —Mindy Kaling
• “I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human Denny’s all day long… and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.” —Ryan Reynolds
• “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
• “We just like each other. You start there… I still can’t believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school, and I was just funny, I’d never have the courage to talk to her.” —Tom Hanks
• “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problem sound to you.” —Megan Mullally
• “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” —Cameron Esposito
• “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat, and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” —Stephanie Ortiz
• “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” —Tom Hanks
• “I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…” —Kristen Bell
• “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” –Anne Bancroft
• “Marriage is like a graph—it has its up and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!” —Dame Julie Andrews
• “I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’” —Gwyneth Paltrow
  

Funny Marriage Quotes From Comedians

• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
• “Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called 50 Shades of Just O.K.” —Conan O’Brien
• “You go, ‘You make me laugh; you make me smile; you make me feel loved; you make me food.’” —Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows
• “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” —Chris Rock
• “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henny Youngman
• “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” —Phyllis Diller
• “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” —Helen Rowland 
• “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash 
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes” —Jim Carrey 
• “It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” —Lew Schneider
  

Funny Marriage Quotes from Television and Movies

• “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
• “Did you know the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” —Kim in The Last Kiss
• “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.” —Mac MacGuff in Juno
• “Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” —Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond
• “She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” —Phoebe Buffay in Friends 
• “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” —Harry Burns in When Harry Met Sally
• “People call these things imperfections, but they’re not, aw, that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.” —Dr. Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting