Why We Settle for Less in Relationships—Plus, 9 Signs It's Happening to You

Every relationship has its fair share of ups and downs. It's not realistic to expect to include each moment with your partner in your life's highlight reel—but how can you distinguish romantic love's normal ebbs and flows with feelings of relationship disappointment or regret? If you find yourself wondering about the latter, you've also likely thought that you might be settling for less in your current partnership. These feelings often come with a lack of fulfillment, increased sadness, and a sense of being held back by the person who claims to love and support you.

First things first: These feelings are not uncommon and you are absolutely not alone. Most of us, at some point in our lives, wonder if our current partner is truly right for us—or if there's a bigger and better love waiting for us on the other side of this one. But even if you suspect that you might be unfulfilled, how can you really be sure? Since all relationships can have their challenges, it's important to be able to recognize the key signs of settling for less than you deserve—especially before you end things.

Ahead, Dr. Lynn Saladino, a psychologist, shares everything you need to know about settling for less, from what this issue really means and why we do it to whether or not you should break things off if you find that it is happening to you.

What Does Settling for Less Really Mean?

According to Dr. Saladino, settling for less means something a little different to everyone—but at the core, it typically results in feelings of relationship disappointment or a lack of fulfillment. "Does this mean the person isn't everything you wanted or do your friends tell you that you can do better?" she poses. "Is the dynamic holding you back in your own growth or making you feel badly about yourself?" Asking yourself these questions is a good start—and if your answers indicate that you're feeling let down or held back, there's a good chance that you've settled for less.

Why People Settle for Less in Relationships

People settle for less in relationships for a multitude of reasons. Some of us are afraid to demand more—and others do love their partner and find it hard to walk away, even if the relationship is no longer serving them. Some of us just don't realize we're settling altogether. Dr. Saladino breaks down the psychology of this common experience below.

You Don't Always Know You're Settling

Almost all of our romantic relationships are predicated on need, says Dr. Saladino. "For some, this may be a need for a sense of safety or companionship. For others, it may be social recognition and acceptance," she explains. Someone might satisfy that need at the start of a relationship—but this need might diminish or shift as a partnership progresses. "Over time, the need or desire we started with can change—and we then become dissatisfied," she explains. This often results in feelings that we have settled for less.

You're Fearful of a Deeper Connection

Some of us fear deep, committed love—so we choose partners that won't push us out of our comfort zones. "Our fears sometimes cause us to pick partners that feel comfortable in the beginning, but as we settle in, we are looking for more," explains Dr. Saladino. "For example, if you have a fear of vulnerability and you choose a partner that doesn't ask a lot of questions, this can feel great at the start. After you become comfortable you may feel safe enough for more depth, leaving you dissatisfied with the lack of connection."

You're Too Attached

We've all done it: You buy into a relationship and develop feelings before you see your partner's true colors—and by the time you've realized you've settled, you feel too in love or committed to walk away. "This can be the result of attachment style or a strong sense of loyalty or commitment," says Dr. Saladino. "Once we've bought in, it's hard to leave, even after things are revealed that contribute to a less than ideal partnership."

9 Signs You're Settling for Less in Your Relationship

Think you might be settling for less in your current relationship? These signs and real-world examples will help you know for sure.

You're With This Person for the Wrong Reasons

When you find yourself settling for less, you're likely with your partner for the wrong reasons. For instance, if you're in a relationship with this person because you're afraid of being alone, you're feeling peer pressure from those around you, or because you feel obligated to stay because you've been together for a prolonged period of time, you're clearly settling for less in your relationship. You should have a strong desire in your heart to be with your partner. If your reasons to stay together come from a place of fear rather than a place of love, it's time to end the relationship and move on.

You're Treated Poorly

Another key indicator is that your partner tends to treats you badly. If your partner is often disrespectful, rude, and always puts his or her needs over yours, you're settling for and accepting less than you deserve. Specifically, if your partner is physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive in any way, you're clearly in the wrong relationship, and you should end it immediately. A partner should treat you with respect, compassion, and gratitude, but if he or she is controlling, manipulative, and toxic to be around, say goodbye once and for all.

You're Unhappy

It's not uncommon to find yourself unhappy more often than not when you settle for less. And if you're staying with someone even though you don't enjoy being with him or her, you don't feel a real connection, or you find yourself actively going out of your way to spend time away from him or her, it's apparent that you're choosing to settle. Relationships have natural ebbs and flows, but if you're fed up with your partner and don't enjoy being around them, this relationship should end.

You're Just Checking a Box

Sure, the partner you're with may check the boxes you've always prioritized, but there's a good chance that they are arbitrary—or at least misguided. And if you're only with someone because they meet these "requirements," there's a good chance you're settling for less (and you might not even know it). "When I work with people on finding a partner, I often have them make an extensive list of what they are looking for—but the crucial step is reviewing that list and seeing what each characteristic represents in terms of a feeling," says Dr. Saladino. "A good job may translate to feeling financially secure. Taller than them might translate to feeling feminine." The list goes on, but if someone is solely with another person for the boxes they check, but doesn't feel good in the real-life relationship, they've probably settled, she says.

You're Bad-Mouthing Your Partner to Your Friends

If you take every opportunity to speak ill of your partner or are constantly expressing your concerns to your family and friends, something has gone wrong—and not only are you settling, but you probably don't know what to do about it. "When we do this, it's an indication that we feel that something is wrong, but feel stuck," says Dr. Saladino. "We're looking for reinforcement from friends and family, but may not be ready for or know how to take action."

You're Not Your True Self

An important sign that you're settling is that you're not your authentic self when you're with your partner. For example, if you're faking interests in pastimes and activities, lying about your past, or feeling as though you're playing a role when you're around him or her, then you're choosing to settle rather than finding a mate who appreciates the real you. Being your true self is at the heart of any long-lasting, successful, meaningful, and healthy relationship, but if you're afraid to express your true thoughts and feelings and don't feel like you can reveal things about yourself to your partner, you should look for a new relationship with someone who's willing to get to know, appreciate, and love the real you.

You're Compromising Too Much

It's not uncommon to feel that you have to give up too many of your hopes, dreams, and priorities because of your partner. And while you can certainly compromise with him or her about where to go to brunch, what type of ice cream to buy, or what show to watch on Netflix, it's another thing to give up on important dreams and life goals in order to appease him or her. For example, if you truly want to have children but your partner never does, staying with him or her despite this is a form of settling for less. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who shares and supports these types of major life choices, and you shouldn't have to compromise to a point where you lose sight of what your priorities in life truly are.​​

Your Partner Doesn't Support a "Better" Version of You

"This happens when we meet someone in a down time of life. Maybe you commiserate over shared disappointment or sadness or they were the saving grace when you were at a low point. When this dynamic changes, sometimes relationships don't allow for us to get better," says Dr. Saladino. "Is there still room and support for the better version of you?" If not, you're settling—and it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

You Want to Work on the Relationship but Your Partner Doesn't

You see some red flags in your relationship, and want to talk and work through them. Your partner, on the other hand? They have no desire to do so and want you to drop the issue. "You can see things in your relationship like communication, sex, and finances that you want and need to be on the same page about and your partner won't talk with you about it or get any help," says Dr. Saladino. "If this is the case, the relationship will stall."

Should You Break Up If You've Settled for Less?

This really depends on the situation. "For anything that is a threat to your health or safety, an exit plan is the best," says Dr. Saladino. "For other things, check in on any assumptions you're making. For example, if you assume your partner wouldn't be open to changing the activities of your Saturday or ever consider therapy, try talking to them." The overarching goal is to avoid regret if you decide to leave—so have thorough conversations about why you feel like you're both settling and how to move past every stall point. Your partner might surprise you and feel similarly or they might reject your feelings (in which case, you have your answer). Take the time to engage in these types of dialogues, since "each relationship is a teacher," says Dr. Saladino, "and it can be hard to know when the lesson is done."