Key Takeaways
Start a calm conversation with your partner to understand why their feelings about having kids have changed.
Consider waiting a bit to see if your partner's change of heart is temporary, while also checking your own fertility options.
Think about whether you can find a compromise or if the decision needs professional help to guide discussions.
Before you make a huge commitment like marriage, chances are that you and your partner will have a conversation about topics like your morals, where you want to live, and, most importantly, whether or not you want children. "The decision to become a parent is a significant life event that impacts short- and long-term goals for individuals and couples," explains Dr. Morine Cebert, a Ph.D. trained nurse researcher in reproductive health. "The process alone of deciding to have children is the culmination of many cultural, social, geographic, and financial factors that should really be seriously discussed before getting married."
Dr. Cebert further adds, "Not discussing the decision to have children prior to marriage, ideally prior to an engagement, is known to lead to some serious challenges such as resentment, infidelity, or a total breakdown in the relationship." That said, while there's endless advice on the importance of talking through these pivotal life points and making sure you’re on the same page about having kids, what isn’t spoken about is the elephant in the room—that people change, and their decision to have a baby may alter with time.
This isn’t to scare you into thinking that your partner is going to pull a 180 as soon as you get married—far from it. The truth is, shifts rarely happen on big decisions like having children, but sometimes they can occur. So, what do you do if your wife or husband changes their mind about having a baby?
Meet the Expert
Morine Cebert, Ph.D., FNP-C. RN, is a nurse researcher in reproductive health, specifically infertility disparities and inequities. She currently consults and teaches for Yale University School of Medicine, and is the founder of Fertility Goals, LLC, a platform that offers affordable and impactful solutions to enhance the experiences of family building.
Ahead, with the help of Dr. Cebert, here's what to keep in mind if you find yourself in this difficult family planning situation.
Take a Deep Breath and Try to Start a Conversation
If you've been set on a stance towards children—whether that's having them or not—and felt sure your partner was on the same page as you, a change in their attitude may feel like a huge gust of wind knocking you off course. (Allow us to reassure you: That's completely expected and you’re allowed to feel thrown by this.) As soon as you can, however, try to take a step back, breathe, and have a conversation with your significant other or spouse—even if you want to freak out or have a meltdown.
Next, if you can, ask your partner why they’ve changed their mind and what their thought process is. Although the initial announcement may feel like a shock, give them some time to talk through it and see if you can understand where they’re coming from. "Having a clear understanding of why your partner no longer wants kids will help you have more clarity as you make decisions for your future," explains Dr. Cebert.
Have some respect for your partner's honesty—it’s not their fault that their mind changed. It happens. It may be an unfortunate, destructive truth, but they’re at least being honest with you, so start the conversation there.
See If Their Mind Stays Changed
If you were thinking about having children in the immediate future and your partner has changed their mind, it might just be cold feet—that's not unusual. As with any big life decision, especially one as monumental as having a baby, it’s totally natural to have moments of panic and doubt. That’s why talking about the issue is important, while also checking in periodically to see if their mind is still changed. That’s not to say you should put your life on hold for months and months, but consider waiting just long enough to see if it is a temporary shift or a permanent one.
"While you are waiting, consider going to a fertility specialist to understand where you are with your own fertility," adds Dr. Cebert. "For women, there is a sharp decline in the quality of eggs at age 35. For men, this decline happens in their late 40s. Consider getting hormones checked and discuss if egg-freezing or sperm-freezing is an option. If your partner changes their mind, you don’t want to build resentment because they did not do so when one or both of your fertility potentials were most optimal."
Assess the Impact This Will Have on Your Life
If you feel like your partner has really changed their mind, you have to determine what this means for your present situation. For instance, if you were on the fence about children, if your life situation has changed, or if you’re feeling a little different than when you got married, you may decide that you're open to the shift.
On the other hand, if this change in their thinking means that you two are on completely different pages, it's important to be honest with yourself about it. More specifically, if you have always imagined having children and built a life on that, then your spouse deciding they don't want them anymore is going to feel like a betrayal, which will require you to reassess your relationship. Similarly, if you never wanted children and your partner suddenly is interested in having a baby, you'll have to think about the impact that will have on your life if you decide to stay with that person.
Discuss If There Are Any Compromises
As Dr. Cebert puts it, "While you certainly can’t have half a child or not, your partner’s feelings may have changed due to some reasons that can be addressed or planned for." Meaning, it is possible to try and compromise on the decision to have children, depending on your particular situation.
Need a few examples? "If the reason is based on financial concerns, maybe your partner may be more open to children if you work together to set financial goals that should be achieved before you bring a child into the world," Dr. Cebert shares. "Likewise, concerns about the burden of childbearing can bring up a discussion of sharing responsibilities and promises to not overburden one individual. With any career concerns, discuss how the family might support new career opportunities for one or both partners."
Have a Trusted Professional Help Facilitate a Conversation
"While you may be really in your feelings about what has been shared, it will be really important to objectively discuss your partner’s feelings and yours as well. Likely, this will not be one singular conversation," notes Dr. Cebert. "Therefore, consider committing to discussing this matter over several sessions as a couple and in individual counseling sessions. [This may help bring more peace in the midst of uncertainty."
Do What’s Right for You
As hard as it may be, you need to do what’s right for you, even if that means ending your relationship if your stance on having children is too big of a decision to compromise. After all, you don't want to find yourself in a long-term partnership that leaves you feeling empty, confused, or resentful. Ultimately, you're allowed to protect yourself and do what feels right for you, especially if you and your spouse aren't able to see eye to eye on this life-altering change.
