You’ve walked down the aisle and said "I do." Now what? Once you’ve got that ring on your finger, you might think that you and your partner will race off into the sunset together. However, many people experience a deep sadness after the wedding bells have rung, which is commonly referred to post-wedding blues or depression.
According to relationship therapist Geoff Lamb, the post-wedding blues or post-wedding depression is a "term used to describe the feeling of anti-climax after the ceremony and the honeymoon is over and the reality or ordinariness of married life kicks in." "I think the word 'depression' is used because there is a flatness together with a lack of fulfillment or pleasure in life, which are similar to some of the symptoms used to diagnose clinical depression," Lamb adds. "However, unlike clinical depression, which often doesn’t have a definable cause, post-wedding depression is clearly linked with the period after the ceremony and is almost certainly something which won’t last." Dr. Kimberly Groscher, founder and CEO of Life by Design Psychotherapy PLLC, notes that this feeling may shift more squarely into post-wedding depression if the feelings persist for more than a couple of weeks.
Meet the Expert
- Geoff Lamb is a psychotherapist, couples counselor, and author with over 35 years of practical experience.
- Dr. Kimberly Groscher, PhD, MA, LCSW, ACC, RYT, is the founder and CEO of Life by Design Psychotherapy PLLC. She is also a Clinical Assistant Professor of Social Work in Psychiatry at Weill-Cornell Medical College, NY Presbyterian Hospital, and a Senior Lecturer in Social Work at Columbia University School of Social Work.
- Cate Mackenzie is a psychosexual therapist, couples counselor, and podcast host. She is also a COSRT accredited sex and relationship therapist and love coach.
This type of situational depression is likely to hit directly after the wedding day, making you feel down in the dumps. Per Dr. Groscher, it's actually much more common than you'd think. "I've seen this many times in my practice and even experienced it myself when I got married 12 years ago," she says.
So, what causes post-wedding depression and how should couples handle it? Here, our experts explain exactly what the post-wedding blues are, signs you or your partner are experiencing them, and tips on how to cope.
What Causes Post-Wedding Blues?
Dr. Groscher notes that post-wedding blues are largely due to the fact that there's a "natural letdown that comes after a big occasion." "There's a lot of hype around the wedding that this is going to be fun, beautiful, that things are going work together, and that everybody will cater to the couple and their needs during this time," she explains. "Couples quickly find out that this is not the case."
Reality hits after the vows.
In the lead-up to the wedding, the world shone brightly. However, after it’s over, you may find that reality isn’t as glimmery. "Post-wedding depression can be caused when people think that the wedding may sort any issues out but then reality hits," says psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie. "Or they were very sexual before getting married and afterward sex may be affected because of the feeling that marriage is a trap."
The spotlight is gone.
Of course, if you’ve been using your wedding day as a way to get some much-needed attention, the comedown will be tough. "On your wedding day, you’re the center of attention, and rightly so," explains Lamb. "It’s your special day and you and your partner are the most important people there. We all like getting attention, but, as adults, we don’t actually need it."
He continues, "However, some of us feel like we need it, but this is usually because we haven’t had enough, or the right kind of attention when we were growing up. If we have this tendency, and most of us have a bit, then we’re going to get a boost by being the center of everyone’s attention on our wedding day, making up for what we haven’t had in the rest of our lives, and experience a comedown when we get back to ordinary life."
The wedding shed new light on the reality of some of your relationships.
Your wedding is about you and your partner, but it also involves many other people—some people experience post-wedding blues because of how relationships devolved with other family members or friends during this period, Dr. Groscher notes. "There's the realization that some of the relationships that you thought were strong, or were going to be super supportive, actually weren't during the process," she says. "Now, as you transition into this new stage of life, this new marriage, you'll have to consider what that means for relationships after the wedding."
You feel like you have nothing fun or exciting to look forward to.
After months of planning and your days with meetings and making big-day decisions, now that you're married, everything is suddenly over. "There might be a natural coming down again from such a huge event, which an take up your time for a year or more," Dr. Groscher says. "It's kind of the central focus for many people and then to all of a sudden not have this, it's going to be an adjustment—even without any drama."
That may leave you feeling you have nothing fun or exciting to look forward to. Of course, married life is exciting and something you will enjoy, but it's easy to see why you're feeling down—the pre-wedding events, the ceremony and reception, and your honeymoon are all behind you, which can be a hard reality to cope with.
You might be feeling post-nuptial regrets.
No, not regrets about who you married, but how you two got married. "They spent all this time trying to get it right, trying to make everybody else happy, and when they realized they weren't even able to enjoy their day—either it went by in a blur or there were so many things about the day that just weren't what they or their partner really wanted—can be a hard realization," Dr. Groscher explains.
Marriage doesn’t fulfill you.
Pinning all your hopes on wedded bliss? You might want to think again. "Another common pattern that most of us have is to live in the future. We think: 'When I get this promotion, I’ll be happy. When I’ve passed my exams, I’ll be less stressed. When I own my own house, I’ll feel secure,'" says Lamb. "The problem is that we’re never happy, less stressed, or secure now," adding that "weddings are a prime example of this. Of course, we want our special day to be special and we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t enjoy the planning and anticipation, but for some people, it’s as if their lives are put on hold and they become blinkered to anything other than the planning for the day. Once the day has happened and you’re back from the dream honeymoon, it isn’t surprising that ordinary life seems boring and mundane."
Rather than presuming that your wedding will be the 'happiest day of your life,' count it as one of the many joyful moments you will experience.
Robin Gentry / EyeEm / Getty Images
Signs You're Dealing With Post-Wedding Blues
Now that you understand what causes post-wedding depression, let’s talk about the signs to watch out for. The obvious side effect of this issue is a low mood. When the wedding day is over, you might experience feelings of sadness or a lack of excitement. However, as Lamb notes, there are other signs of which you should be aware. "The signs or symptoms of post-wedding depression are quite varied, but can include boredom, apathy, lack of pleasure in life, not having a purpose in life, even having doubts about the person you married," he says.
Dr. Groscher adds that having a hard time connecting with your partner, difficulty sleeping, or being distracted at work, school, or your daily activities are also signs of post-wedding blues.
Signs Your Post-Wedding Blues Are Shift Into Post-Wedding Depression
If the previously noted feelings continue to persist for several weeks, or if you have a past history of depressive episodes, Dr. Groscher explains that you might be shifting into post-wedding depression. In these instances, she urges newlyweds to reach out to a previous or new therapist for support—you deserve to feel better and a professional can help you work through these feelings.
How to Cope With Post-Wedding Blues
Worried you might experience post-wedding blues? If you’re concerned about what the aftermath of your special day will bring, it pays to take some precautions. "Try and prevent post-wedding blues in the first place," Lambs says. "We can do this by paying attention to how we plan the wedding, how we make the day really special for both of us in a way that’s consistent with who we are, who we experience ourselves as being, both individually and as a couple. It’s difficult to avoid comparison with other people’s weddings, but try to do so."
Dr. Groscher also suggests pre-marital counseling, which she says can help you two prepare for any feelings of sadness before they strike.
Normalize your feelings.
Dr. Groscher says it's essential that you acknowledge and normalize how you're feeling. "There isn't something wrong with them, even if they are struggling with some depressive symptoms," she notes. "They have every right to find support to address some of these issues."
Focus on your long-term relationship.
"Pay attention to your day-to-day life, especially your relationship with each other," says Lamb. "Yes, of course it is a special day, but there will be other wonderful moments in the lead-up to it and more afterward. Don’t put your life on hold. It’s important to keep talking to your partner in the run-up to your wedding even if there are some difficult things to discuss. Open conversations will bring you closer to each other and this closeness will do a lot to prevent post-wedding depression."
Consider couples counseling.
Even just temporary couples counseling can be hugely beneficial to you both, Dr. Groscher notes. "Specifically focusing on this transition, especially if they weren't able to do some type of premarital counseling, can be very beneficial," she says.
Look for support.
Whether you work with a therapist or lean on family members and friends, Dr. Groscher says seeking outside support is key; go to trusted, non-judgmental insiders for advice and recognition, and be willing to ask for help if you need it.
