Key Takeaways
- Accept that your partner’s past relationships, including their ex-spouse, are a normal part of their life story.
- Focus on how much your partner’s ex will realistically affect your life, especially if children are involved.
- If the ex-spouse creates conflict, avoid engaging and consider therapy to protect your relationship’s health.
When we talk about getting married, we tend to speak in terms of finalities and absolutes—your one and only or your happily ever after. However, the truth is, for a lot of people, marriages aren’t a one-time-only event. Based on the current divorce rate, there’s a chance that you or your partner may have been married before. That's completely okay; one of you having been previously married doesn’t prevent you two from having a successful partnership today. Yet if you’re preparing to say “I do” to someone who has tied the knot before, there's a possibility you'll have to deal with your partner’s ex-spouse. For many people, such a possibility can be an intimidating scenario—and understandably so.
The good news? Typically, your partner’s ex-spouse isn’t going to affect your marriage. “The best tip for dealing with an ex-spouse is to try and contain your jealousy,” says Aimee Hartstein, a licensed clinical social work and relationship therapist. “Ninety-five percent of people who are divorced are happy that they have moved on to new partners.” That means that you also shouldn’t assume that there’s going to be a problem. However, it’s completely normal (and expected) to feel a bit uneasy about the whole situation.
Before, Hartstein offers three strategies on handling a partner's ex-spouse—and shares advice on what to do if the dynamic becomes unpleasant. Read on for more.
Remember That You Both Have a Past
Remember that everyone has their own past. Even if you haven’t been married before, there are still significant people and partners from earlier in your life. Relationships that never included a ring can be just as meaningful and transformative as those that did. Recognize that it’s normal (and expected) for your partner to have been with others before you. “Do not go down the road of thinking that the ex is a threat to you in any way,” Hartstein says. “Chances are you have your own exes, and you know your partner has no need to be worried about them.” If you find yourself panicking or feeling jealous, talk to your partner about the fact that you’re struggling. However, make sure to remember that if your exes are no threat, theirs shouldn’t be either.
Be Realistic About Their Role in Your Life
When dealing with your partner’s ex, try to look at how much they’re actually going to impact your life. For many people, this may be not at all—either you’ll never see them or maybe you’ll bump into them once or twice a year at events with shared friends. However, in some cases, they may be a more present part of your life, especially if there are children involved. If that’s the reality, it’s even more important that you make an effort to keep your dynamic as healthy and positive as possible. “If your partner has kids with their ex, then this advice goes double,” Hartstein says. “You and your partner will be dealing with this ex basically forever. The more amicable and friendly the relationship, the happier you all will be. Don’t go looking for threats and trouble where none may exist.”
If there are kids involved, remember that they’re the more vulnerable group in this dynamic. Put their well-being first.
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If Necessary, Take the High Road
In some cases, your partner’s ex may be problematic. Maybe they’re not over your significant other, not a very stable or happy person, or like to throw microaggressions your way. While it’s a tricky situation to be in, do your best to take the high road. “In the unfortunate case that their ex really is difficult and a problem, my advice is to try your best not to engage and not to take the bait,” Hartstein says. If you feel like you’re having trouble coping with your partner’s ex or if you feel like they’re impacting your relationship, consider seeking help. “Find a good individual or couples’ therapist if the family dynamics get too intense,” Hartstein says. “A professional take on the situation can go a long way.” It may be that you’re actually projecting other insecurities about the relationship onto the ex or that you and your partner are allowing the ex to take up too much space in your relationship.
