Key Takeaways
Establish clear boundaries with your in-laws to maintain peace and a sense of privacy in your home.
Regularly communicate with your spouse about expectations to prevent misunderstandings and create a harmonious living situation.
Seek help from professionals if living arrangements with in-laws become overwhelming and affect your wellbeing.
If you've ever lived with extended family, you've probably learned that it has its pros and cons. There are quite a few reasons why you might end up living with your in-laws. Perhaps you're saving money, and it makes financial sense for you and your partner; maybe someone is sick and requires special care; or it might be part of your culture for the extended family to share a home.
Whatever the reason, this living situation can come with its own challenges. It's easy to get on each other's nerves when living in tight quarters—disagreements aren't uncommon, and there may be adjustments to a new lack of privacy and independence. Despite these challenges, though, there are plenty of solutions for getting along peacefully with your partner's parents.
If you find yourself in this situation, try to remember that living with your in-laws can also bring many benefits, and both parties can help each other. For instance, there are more people to potentially pitch in and cook dinner, there are more hands for household chores, and you can potentially have help caring for children. Of course, the greatest silver lining is the opportunity to get to know each other better and really bond as a family.
No matter what your specific situation may be, adjusting to sharing your space will be much more seamless if you put in the effort and prepare properly. So how do you survive the transition together? Keep reading for five ways to master the art of living with in-laws, according to two experts.
Set Boundaries
Before making the decision to move in with your in-laws, talk to your spouse about what life will be like when you're all living together. "Before moving in with the in-laws, both partners should have multiple open and honest conversations about their expectations, concerns, and boundaries," says Beverley Andre, licensed marriage and family therapist. "It's natural for feelings surrounding this transition to evolve, so having numerous discussions allows for processing and helps the couple feel comfortable sharing their thoughts fully," she explains.
And speaking of boundaries, after that initial conversation, it will be helpful to come up with some ground rules around the house once you do move in. If you and your in-laws take turns with household chores like taking out the garbage or making meals, you can avoid one person feeling like all the responsibilities land on their shoulders. Maybe one family member would rather commit to doing the dishes than folding laundry (or even mowing the lawn). Few of us enjoy every single chore, but it's possible to share them together in a beneficial way.
Another boundary might be that you and your spouse must have at least one night a week to yourselves. The important part is to create some guidelines that will help you all get along and feel at ease in the home.
Find Privacy
One thing married couples need—especially newlyweds—is privacy. It’s the only way to have intimacy, get to know each other better, and build your own family. Although it may be more difficult to find privacy when living with extended family, there are a few ways to ensure you'll have your own space. Even if you're in a small home or apartment, try designating certain areas that are off-limits to you or your in-laws, like the bedroom.
It's all the better if you can set up a separate living space within the same complex or house. This way, you don't have to be around each other 24/7, and you'll be able to maintain your independence while still relying on one another from time to time. If you're not getting enough time alone with your spouse, it might be helpful to plan regular date nights or do household errands together to find a few hours for yourselves every week.
Stay Out of Family Arguments
Living with parents can bring up a lot of old memories and habits, so don't be surprised if there are problems with your in-laws. Your spouse may be tempted to fall into patterns from childhood when they're spending so much time with the people who raised them.
"It is an open secret amongst psychotherapists that if we want to test how far our clients have progressed, we send them home to spend Thanksgiving with their own families. It is amazing how quickly we become our worst selves when we return to the house in which we made our first acquaintance with love and power," says Andrea F. Polard, Psy.D.
It's understandable for your spouse to feel trapped, or even resentful, about the situation; however, this could lead to arguments. When your partner gets into a disagreement with their parent, you might want to stay out of it. Let them ride it out together.
Think About How You Communicate
As you navigate all of these things—setting boundaries, staying out of arguments, etc.—you'll want to stay aware of how you're communicating (with both your partner and your in-laws) and ensure that things are staying both clear and respectful. "To have a productive conversation, it's vital to establish emotional safety by actively listening to what the person is saying and understanding the emotions behind their words," explains Andre. "Once communication is set and boundaries are respected, navigating other topics related to integrating into the home and addressing future conflicts due to the new dynamic will be more manageable."
Ask for Help When You Need It
Dealing with your in-laws can bring on different types of stress and emotions for everyone in the household. "Casual, non-committed relationships just don’t go where it hurts. Quite frankly, not that many people care as deeply about what you do and do not do as your in-laws," says Polard. If the situation becomes overwhelming or you're feeling depressed, you might consider seeing a family therapist or counselor. An objective party could be just what you need to work things out and avoid conflict.
There's no shame in asking for help when you need it—especially if your in-laws are hurting your marriage. It might be nice to save money or help out your family, but if it could lead you toward divorce, it's time to think about your options. You might think about seeing a marriage counselor, or if it's necessary, finding a way to change your living situation. While relationships with family are an important priority, your marriage and happiness should be, too.
