Key Takeaways
- Look for increased openness from your spouse, like sharing their phone freely to rebuild trust.
- If your partner seeks couples therapy, they show a desire to repair and strengthen your relationship.
- Clear communication and sharing emotions help build a strong bond, making future affairs less likely.
Whether you put the puzzle pieces together yourself or your spouse was the one to come clean, discovering an affair is a painful and traumatic experience. To find out that the person you're spending the rest of your life with was unfaithful is a hurtful, shocking realization that can initially lead to a whirlwind of emotions, from anger to sadness, and longer-term repercussions, like loss of trust, low self-esteem, and struggles with mental health.
While many victims of infidelity decide to get a divorce, an affair doesn’t have to end your marriage if you don’t want it to. Cheating makes it more difficult to repair your union, but if the two of you have mutual love and respect for one another, and the shared desire to reconcile, you can work with your partner to overcome the obstacle, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Virginia Williamson. In fact, the two of you can come out on the other end as a stronger unit. “It may seem paradoxical, but these couples often create a deeper alliance as—once the shock subsides—they diligently make a commitment to work through their recovery process,” licensed clinical psychotherapist Dr. Liliana Wolf explains.
Meet the Expert
- Virginia Williamson is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Collaborative Counseling Group in Fairfield, Connecticut.
- Dr. Liliana Wolf is a licensed clinical psychotherapist based in Florida, the owner of Liliana Wolf, PhD, and the author of the Florida Premarital Course.
- Christopher Vo is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Houston, Texas, and the founder of Asian Mental Health Collective, which makes mental health services easily available to the Asian community.
With all of this in mind, if your partner recently ended their affair, Wolf says, first and foremost, that the two of you will need to separate, so you can properly heal and so your partner can address the underlying issues of infidelity. Then, if you decide that you want to invest in the relationship and salvage your union, you must know, without a doubt, that your spouse stopped cheating.
To help you navigate this situation, we asked relationship therapists to share the top indicators that you can trust your spouse's word after infidelity. Read on for the signs that your partner ended their affair and ones that it’s over for good.
Signs Your Spouse Ended Their Affair
Even if your significant other has told you that they’ve ended their affair, it can be difficult to trust their word since they’ve been dishonest before. That’s why changes in action and behavior (showing versus telling) are better indicators that your spouse has stopped cheating and is committed to rebuilding a life with you. Here are the signs to look out for, according to the experts.
An Ability to Validate
When you and your partner have the initial conversation, where they share that the affair is over, one clear sign they’re being truthful is showing an ability to validate your feelings. If your spouse is receptive to what you have to say and is willing to listen and acknowledge your thoughts and emotions, they’re taking responsibility for their betrayal. Being defensive and belittling how you feel about the affair means they aren’t quite ready to work toward a restored union. You’ll probably need more consistent evidence to fully believe your significant other’s verbal promise, but the ability to validate is a step in the right direction.
Increased Transparency
One of the biggest signs your spouse has stopped cheating is being transparent about what they’re doing, where they are, and who they’re with. Being open and forthcoming about the details of their daily life means they want to let you in and are committed to moving forward—without any deception. “Since affairs thrive on secrecy, embracing transparency in communication becomes a direct countermeasure to the deceit that characterized the affair,” Wolf says.
Emotional Reconnection
An affair can shatter all emotional intimacy—discovering that your partner has cheated makes it nearly impossible to feel close to and safe with them—and trust and security are the cornerstones of every relationship. That’s why a restored sense of emotional connection between the two of you is a strong sign that the affair is over. Think: being vulnerable, exhibiting empathy, listening attentively, showing interest, and checking in. If your partner is demonstrating these actions and if you find yourself being able to engage in these behaviors with ease, you’re on the path to repairing and deepening your bond.
A Willingness to Seek Professional Help
In many cases, attending couples therapy is essential to address and work through your marital issues, so you can heal as individuals and as a unit. If your spouse is willing to seek professional help, which requires taking a hard look at themselves, it’s a clear sign that they’ve taken responsibility for their actions and are dedicated to changing. “A willingness to participate in couples therapy, despite its initial potential discomfort and emotional challenges, shows a commitment to working on the marriage,” Wolf points out.
Access to Their Phone
If your partner feels comfortable giving you their phone when you ask, that’s a sign they aren’t trying to hide anything from you, whether it’s text messages, phone calls, or internet searches. It may feel authoritarian for you to ask, but if you need tangible proof in order to believe that the cheating has stopped, then that’s a completely reasonable ask.
Signs the Affair Won’t Happen Again
Although nothing is guaranteed, there are several signs that indicate your spouse is unlikely to cheat again.
Severed Ties With the Other Person
When your spouse cuts off all ties and all modes of communication with the person they cheated with, they won’t be tempted to engage in the unfaithful act. Plus, it shows that they are committed to restoring your marriage. While this won’t necessarily predict future fidelity with other people, it will give you peace of mind that an affair with the same person probably won’t be an issue going forward.
Addressed Marital Issues
If the two of you are able to acknowledge, discuss, and heal what led to the affair, whether it was unmet needs in the relationship, intrapersonal issues, or an external source, that’s a pretty good indication your spouse won’t cheat again since those factors were what triggered the unfaithful act in the first place. Consistently meeting with a couples counselor to make sure the two of you address any other issue head on, instead of coping with it in an unhealthy and destructive way again, is also a strong signifier that your partner won’t cheat.
Respected Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important for every relationship. If you’re able to set clear boundaries and your significant other is willing and able to respect them, you’ll be able to trust more easily that a future affair isn’t probable. “Healthy boundaries, knowing and understanding what is right and allowed and what is not, is crucial for rebuilding trust and ensuring safety within the relationship,” Wolf shares.
Improved Communication
You and your spouse’s communication style can say a lot about the state of your relationship. Handling conflict by placing blame, getting defensive, and imposing on the other is a sign there’s an unresolved issue in your marriage. However, if the two of you are able to speak openly and vulnerably, listen to one another, and empathize, your union is in a good place, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Christopher Vo. It’s also important that your spouse shows a commitment to improving their communication in order to rebuild your foundation.
A Deeper Emotional Connection
Communication also plays a pivotal role in restoring your emotional connection. When the two of you repeatedly converse with one another about your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an honest, open, compassionate, and empathetic way, you’ll build a deep, long-lasting bond. And when emotional intimacy is present, cheating probably won’t be a problem. “Feeling heard, valued, and appreciated decreases the likelihood of seeking emotional fulfillment elsewhere,” Wolf remarks.
Renewed Physical Intimacy
In addition to emotional intimacy, physical intimacy is essential for a restored marriage. “Showing affection and establishing a genuine sexual connection signals a clear desire to restore and facilitate a transparent and strong marital bond,” Wolf explains. If you and your spouse are able to show physical signs of affection, from a reassuring hand on your shoulder to a healthy sex life, your spouse won’t need to satisfy that need in another person.
Openness
Being open is a key sign that the affair has permanently ended. “Becoming more transparent about one's actions and whereabouts and taking accountability for one's schedule and decisions shows a commitment to rebuilding trust,” Wolf explains. When your significant other is honest, you won’t be suspicious about their behavior or constantly anxious about their next step, which leads to feelings of security and comfort, per Wolf.
Consistent Behaviors
In order to trust your spouse, they need to consistently honor your commitment, according to Vo. “Consistency becomes a cornerstone for building and maintaining trust, a fundamental element in the longevity and strength of any healthy relationship, not just one healing from an affair,” Vo states. Just talking about how they’ll improve doesn’t mean anything without repeated action. Validating your emotions or respecting your boundaries once doesn’t mean anything either, if neither of them are a pattern. When your significant other continuously treats you well, that’s a sign infidelity won’t threaten your marriage again.
A Continuous Effort to Improve
“Regular, proactive efforts to improve and repair the relationship indicate a commitment to the marriage,” Wolf says. When your spouse displays a desire to work on his shortcomings and your union, especially through individual and/or couples therapy, and actually follows through on these promises, they aren’t thinking about cheating again.
Healed Resentment
Combined with the above signs, all of which apply to your spouse, being able to forgive and move past resentment is also another indication that the affair won’t happen again. Since relationships are a two-way street, however, this sign is also for you (not just your spouse), as it proves that you’ve healed from the affair and that you trust the person again. “It signifies a willingness to learn and grow, not only as an individual but together as a unified relationship,” Vo explains.
