Could Emotional Neglect Be Hurting Your Marriage? 17 Common Signs to Look Out For

Every couple experiences their fair share of challenges. Even after tying the knot, it's normal to encounter a problems in your dynamic. As you move through life together, you may undergo a number of shifts, including moves, having children, and changing jobs. However, while it's normal to have disagreements over the course of your relationship, if your partner continues to make you feel unwanted or insecure, it could be a sign of emotional neglect in your marriage.

"Emotional neglect is when someone’s attachment and/or emotional needs are disregarded," says Sarah O'Leary, a marriage and family therapist. "Unsurprisingly, it pushes couples apart. You can’t feel emotionally safe or secure in a relationship with emotional neglect. It can also really negatively affect your own personal well-being—both mentally and physically." However, it can also be difficult to know when you're experiencing emotional neglect. Without tangible evidence or written proof, it's often challenging to express what the issue is. In the end, many people tend to stay in relationships that aren’t working because there're no identifiable reason to leave, even as the dynamic is crumbling.

Below, two relationship therapists explain what you need to know about emotional neglect in marriage, including common signs to be on the lookout for. Plus, they share how to confront this type of dynamic.

What Is Emotional Neglect in a Marriage?

Emotional neglect occurs when one partner fails to attend to the other's emotional needs. However, this can also affect other aspects of the relationship. "One partner intentionally withholds their true self physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually either because they are incapable of emotional availability, having never developed that skill, or they are intentionally denying their partner an intimate space to express their emotional needs," says Sherrie Sims Allen, a psychologist, relationship strategist, and dating coach. "That emotional neglect starts to erode the connection between the couple."

17 Signs of Emotional Neglect in a Marriage

Identifying emotional neglect in a marriage can be difficult. However, there are some key signs to look out for. Below, the expert offer 17 common ones.

• You feel alone in your relationship.
• You prefer to spend time alone versus time with your partner.
• Your partner shuts down when you want to talk.
• It's not clear what your partner wants from you.
• You don’t engage in social activities as a couple.
• Your go-to person is a friend, not your partner.
• You consistently ignore or suppress your feelings.
• You don’t feel comfortable around your family and friends.
• You procrastinate on long-term decisions and are hesitant to move forward with things.
• You're experiencing a lack of physical intimacy.
• You don’t feel like you can be yourself with your partner.
• You don’t trust your partner.
• You feel like you lead parallel lives, despite living under the same roof.
• Your partner doesn't read or acknowledge your non-verbal cues of distress.
• Your partner actively avoids things that bring you joy or refuses to experience them with you.
• You're expected to make room for your partner's emotions, but they refuse to make space for your own.
• Your partner regularly stonewalls you.

What Causes Emotional Neglect in a Marriage?

While the specific causes of emotional neglect vary from one relationship to the next, the common theme is a shift in the support one partner gives to the other. "Emotional neglect often stems from an individual’s own attachment injuries," O'Leary says. "If someone never learned how to have a supportive, healthy relationship in childhood or adolescence, they will struggle to make that change in adulthood." However, even if this is the case, that doesn't mean a relationship is doomed. "Struggle does not mean unable; however, it will take work, but the way you interact with others and within your relationships is malleable," she adds.

How to Cope With Emotional Neglect in a Marriage

For most married couples, the key to getting past this situation is working through it together. Ahead, we discuss some tips on how to handle emotional neglect in a marriage. 

Don’t Play the Victim Card 

Even though your partner's behavior may be hurtful, try not to play the victim card. Instead, focus on talking to them about how you feel—and how you two can productively move forward. If you spend too much time on what they did wrong or how they hurt you, they could turn defensive, making it difficult for the two of you to foster a healthy dynamic.

Consider the Reasons for the Behavior

When you experience emotional neglect, it can be helpful to consider what may have spurred your partner to act this way in the first place. Consider asking yourself these questions:

• Was your relationship always like this, or did it deteriorate over time?
• Does it feel like your partner’s attitude changes from day to day?
• Is there a situation or event that precipitated their change in behavior?

For example, if your partner has been emotionally neglectful for an extended period of time, this may be a far bigger issue than you realize. However, if you can pinpoint a specific time when the behavior shifted, it could be helpful in finding a path forward.

Be Proactive 

While the source of neglect may be coming from your partner, avoid waiting it out. Know that, oftentimes, people don’t recognize their own behavior. If your spouse doesn’t realize that they're being neglectful, it's unlikely anything will change.

Talk About It Constructively 

Take time to sit down and talk about your relationship. However, be strategic about when you choose to do so. Make sure you have the emotional bandwidth to discuss your feelings—and that neither of you have a commitment that may cut a productive conversation short. "It is important to start with setting aside time to talk so that your time together is uninterrupted," Allen says. "The feedback you are about to give might trigger your partner, who needs to be open and available to listen to your feelings regarding the emotional neglect without getting defensive. Hopefully, setting aside time to dialogue will create an environment that fosters talking and problem solving."

Practice Mirroring

Consider asking your partner to practice a skill called mirroring; your spouse should repeat back, word for word, what they've heard you say as you speak about the emotional neglect in your marriage. "It requires the person who is listening to literally tell their partner exactly what they are hearing without distorting the words in any way," Allen says.

Spend Quality Time Together 

While spending time with a partner who's acting emotionally neglectful may seem counterintuitive , that may just be what your relationship needs. Sometimes, taking some space from everyday stresses can give you room to breathe. In the absence of "the noise," you can spend some much-needed time focusing on each other.

Be Patient 

These issues can't be resolved overnight. Getting your dynamic back on track takes hard work, patience, and time. If you seek professional help, remember to put your best foot forward and trust the process.

How Therapy Can Help Emotional Neglect in a Marriage

Emotional neglect is an issue that can be incredibly difficult to fix on your own. As a result, a good therapist can be infinitely helpful. A trained professional can facilitate constructive conversations, help you get some perspective, and give you both the space to express your feelings. Oftentimes, having an unbiased third party is key.

How to Know Your Marriage Can't Be Saved Due to Emotional Neglect

However, if you've gone through therapy together and talked through all the underlying issues, and you're still feeling neglected emotionally, you may be at a point where the relationship can't be saved. After all, partners who want their relationships to work do the work. "When a couple is committed to their [marriage], they take the time to educate themselves on communication tools, look for practical ways to create new spaces for nurturing their relationship, and they hire a therapist or a relationship coach to teach them how to build connections to make sure their needs are met on all levels," Allen says. If that's not happening in your marriage, the emotional neglect might be too much for you to overcome.