Breakups are always challenging. Regardless of whether you've been with someone for five months or six years, making the decision to split can cause emotional stress and pain. However, there's another behavior that can oftentimes feel even more cruel than such a separation: your partner ghosting you. Instead of electing to have a difficult conversation with you about the state of your dynamic, in such a scenario, someone simply stops communicating with you, effectively disappearing from your life—without giving an explanation as to why they're doing so.
In recent years, ghosting has become increasingly common as more people turn to apps and social media for potential matches. "The gamification of dating has led to a mindset that there is always someone smarter, hotter, and a better fit, leading to a significant decrease in accountability and communication with potential partners," says Taylor Chodash, a licensed therapist. As a result, when someone wants to end a situation, it's often easier to simply disappear instead of having a stressful or difficult conversation with the person they're seeing.
Here, the experts break down why ghosting is so common, the reasons behind the behavior, and what to do if it happens to you. Read on for everything you need to know.
What Is Ghosting?
"Ghosting is when someone abruptly stops communicating and pursuing a romantic connection or relationship without informing the other person," says Brittany "Bree" Jenkins, a dating coach and licensed marriage and family therapist. In practice, this may look like someone not replying to your texts, answering your calls, or making plans with you. Instead of speaking to you about their desire to end the dynamic, they simply disappear from your life.
Why Is Ghosting So Common?
The experts agree: The era of online dating apps and fast-paced communication has created an environment that's ripe for ghosting. "With so many choices at our fingertips, people sometimes view relationships as more disposable, or they may fear confrontation and choose avoidance instead," says Jordanne Sculler, a relationship expert and licensed therapist. When someone wants to end a relationship, they can simple cease communication, effectively opting out of a tough conversation.
"In the past, you couldn't easily avoid a neighbor, a coworker's sibling, or someone from your social circle," Jenkins says. "You had to tell them directly that the relationship wasn't working, or you'd face social consequences." However, today, it's much more common to meet a potential partner through an app or online. As a result, you two may have no mutual connections with one another. The lack of ties ultimately make it easier to avoid difficult conversations—or face any accountability after disappearing on someone.
Why Do People Ghost? 5 Common Reasons
While every relationship is unique, there are some common reasons why a person may opt to ghost you instead of having a conversation about their feelings. Below, the experts explain five of them.
A Lack of Emotional Maturity
Telling someone that you're no longer interested in them is a difficult conversation to have—and one that requires effective communication skills. "Ghosting oftentimes occurs when individuals lack the coping skills to regulate their emotions and healthily address their needs," Chodash says.
A Fear of Confrontation
Instead of facing the reality of a relationship, ghosting is a passive strategy that allows someone to avoid confrontation, Chodash says. "It may feel easier to pull away then to communicate this in fear of pushback or contention," she adds.
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An Obsession With Moving Quickly
"Social media, work demands, family responsibilities, health priorities, and a constant stream of crises in the news create a premium on time and mental energy," Jenkins says. As a result, when a dynamic isn't panning out, ghosting often seems like the quickest way to end something. "Even in professional spaces, companies routinely ghost job applicants, normalizing the behavior," she adds.
A Fear of Vulnerability
"It is common to find that those with an avoidant attachment style will pull away when they feel themselves becoming too emotionally invested with another person," Chodash says. Instead of being vulnerable and sharing their feelings, they opt to leave the dynamic altogether. Such an impulse may stem from experiences they had in their upbringing, she adds.
A Focus on Instant Gratification
Today, more people appear unwilling to invest in what it takes to build a lasting partnership. Instead, they focus on seeking out quick, easy chemistry and instant gratification, Jenkins says. As a result, they may opt to ghost when a situation seems challenging, confusing, or stressful—rather than working through their issues or anxieties.
Is Ghosting Ever Acceptable?
Yes. In some cases, ghosting someone is acceptable. "If someone displays unstable, abusive, or threatening patterns, ghosting can be a form of self-protection," Jenkins says. "Some people handle rejection very poorly, which can trigger an overly hostile or unsafe reaction. In those cases, it's important to trust your instincts and protect yourself by ending contact without further notice or discussion." Yet, outside of such a scenario, know that cutting off communication isn't the best response to a shift in the relationship. "Even a short, kind message to close the loop can make a big difference," Sculler says.
What to Do If Someone Ghosts You: 4 Key Steps to Take
There's no one-size-fits-all responses to someone ghosting you. Depending on your personal feelings, outlook, and comfort level, there are a number of different steps you can take. Here, the experts offer a few to consider.
Acknowledge Your Emotions
"Ghosting can be extremely hurtful and bring up feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion," Chodash says. That's to be expected. If you're being ghosted by someone you cared about or had feelings for, it's completely understandable why you would experience such emotions in the aftermath. Give yourself the space to process your feelings.
Send a Brief Message
Even though someone may not be communicating with you, you may find closure by sending them a message that outlines your perspective, Jenkins says. She suggests: "I'm looking for a relationship with someone who can communicate openly. I’m going to move on, but I wish you the best." Such a statement allows you to firmly shut the door on the dynamic.
Try not to overanalyze the situation. Remember that ghosting is a reflection of someone else's lack of maturity and communication skills—not your value and worth, Chodash says.
Reflect on Your Response
While you may want to simply move on from the situation, take a minute to reflect on your response to it. "Understanding our own attachment styles and ways of relating to others can help us know how to articulate our needs, boundaries, and expectations in the future," Chodash says. By working through these feelings, you'll set yourself up for a more successful relationship down the road.
Be Kind to Yourself
It may sound trivial, but prioritize taking care of yourself after being ghosted. "Lean on your support system, engage in activities that make you feel grounded, and resist the urge to overanalyze every interaction," Sculler says. "Sometimes closure has to come from you, not the other person."
