39 Short and Funny Wedding Toasts Guaranteed to Make Guests Laugh

Whether you're the maid of honor, the best man, or the parents of the newlyweds, being asked to give a wedding toast is a honor. However, even though you may be excited to speak at your loved one's nuptials, such a speech can also induce some nerves. Should you lean into tales from their childhoods, or tell the story of their first date? Do you want to induce tears in the eyes of the guests, or leave them in a fit of laughter? When it comes to a wedding toast, aim for something that's thoughtful and heartfelt—with a well-placed touch of humor. And while you may be confident in your ability to find a few stories that speak to the character of the couple and their relationship, you may struggle to find something that's worthy of a laugh or two. That's okay; few of us are well-practiced comedians who can can craft a funny toast.

When it comes to adding some humor to your wedding toast, remember that less is more. To start, you speech shouldn't be longer than five minutes, which doesn't leave time for an extensive monologue. Instead, focus on a few poignant jokes or quotes that accurately speak to the newlyweds and their relationship dynamic. Maybe you lean into the untraditional way they met, the extensive planning process behind the big day, or the secrets to a happy and healthy marriage. Regardless of the direction you choose, we've got you covered.

Below, we list 39 funny wedding-toast ideas and quotes that are guaranteed to make your guests laugh—and delight the newlyweds.

Funny Wedding Toast Ideas 

Regardless of your role in the newlyweds' big day, these one-liners and well-wishes are sure to garner some laughs.

• "What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!"
• "May your children be blessed with rich parents." 
• "The couple asked that I don't share any embarrassing stories today... so that's it for me! Cheers to the newlyweds!"
• "Here's to you and here's to me,
  I hope we never disagree,
  But if, perchance, we ever do,
  Then here's to me, and to hell with you."
• "Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor and a short memory."
• "May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom."
• "Our happy couple really struggled to find someone to give a speech today. They asked their most attractive friend first, and they said no. Then they asked their smartest friend, who also said no. After that, they went to their funniest friend, and the answer was still no. So then they asked me, and I couldn't turn them down for a fourth time!" 
• "Remember: In life there are only two tools anyone really needs in their toolbox—duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t, and WD40 gets things moving when they’re stuck."
• "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."
• "May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!"
• "We are gathered here today to honor something so truly magical, so truly unique and wonderful, that it simply had to be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the doughnut wall."
• "As Bill and Ted once said: 'Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.'"
• "Saying 'I do' at your wedding is like clicking the 'I accept' box any time a new piece of software on your computer or phone asks you to read its terms and conditions: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. Congratulations on your marriage!"
• "Let me leave you with one piece of advice. Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: They also chose you. Cheers!"
• "Now, let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple. I actually like both of you—do you have any idea how rare that is?"
• "The couple has amazing taste, don't you think? I mean, we can all agree that they did choose the absolute best speaker tonight!"
• "May the most you wish for be the least you get." 
• "May your household multiply, and may your hearts never be divided."

Funny Quotes for Your Wedding Toast 

Use these humorous bits to offer the newlyweds some wisdom and advice in your toast.

• "The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg 
• "We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss 
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
• "Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." — Dr. Joyce Brothers
• "Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason 
• "A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it." — Unknown
• "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles Schulz
• "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." — Henry Kissinger
• "To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash
• "For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
• "If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married." — Unknown
• "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." — Unknown
• "If at first you don’t succeed...try doing it the way your wife told you." — Unknown 
• "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally 
• "The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
• "The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with." — Mac MacGuff in Juno 
• "A man is incomplete until he's married. After that, he's finished." — Zsa Zsa Gabor
• "Love is sharing your popcorn." — Charles Schultz
• "Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there." — George Burns
• "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person." — Mignon McLaughlin
• "Love is a lot like dancing; you just surrender to the music." — Pierce Brosnan
  

5 Tips for Writing and Delivering a Funny Wedding Toast

A funny wedding toast is a great way to keep everyone engaged, as guests (especially after a few drinks at cocktail hour!) may struggle to pay attention to long speeches. To avoid losing your audience, keep your toast light, short, and appropriately funny. Below, some key tips to remember.

Avoid Inside Jokes

Have you ever been out with a group of friends and experienced everyone laughing about something that makes absolutely no sense to you? If so, you know that there's no worse feeling than being on the outside of an inside joke. While it's perfectly fine to include a couple lines that make sense to just a few guests, it's important to ensure that the vast majority of your toast resonates with everyone in attendance.

Don't Make It a Roast

Remember that this is a toast, not a roast. It's best to be humorous but not mean-spirited or cruel. You want guests to laugh with you instead of at the happy couple, so avoid anything that feels as though you're mocking the newlyweds. Sharing funny stories and musings is a better course of action than retelling every embarrassing story you know about the bride or groom.

Balance Humor With Seriousness

While you don't have to pair every funny line with something more sentimental, this rule can ensure there's a good mix of content in your speech. Balance all that (tasteful) humor with more serious sentiments, such as how much you love the couple, what their bond has taught you about happy relationships, and your hopes for their future together, and you've got a guaranteed hit.

Have It Vetted

While you might think you've penned a winner, it's best to let someone you trust weigh in before you take it to the crowd. Be open-minded about their feedback and willing to adjust if they note any major red flags.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Your speech might be rock solid, but if you're tripping over every word or rushing through what you've written, guests will never know how great it is. While you don't have to memorize it, you should practice it a few times through to make sure there are no clunky phrases or tough to pronounce words. Doing so will also help you nail your timing.